Unknown Child's MindSay Blog

my first

flairofazure — 2004-06-30T10:06:00-05:00

This is not my first blog, nor will it be my last. This is my first one with no friends added. This will be a pure me page, there will be no holds barred, no feelings thought about, nothing. Except for maybe one individual. And anyone that finds me, might know me, if they do research. If they recognize the picture. But other than that, I am an unknown child of the world, and I will hopefully keep it that way :)

all i fuckin want to do..

flairofazure — 2004-07-01T02:07:00-05:00

is read. I finally got DaVinchi's Code and I just got a fuckin water balloon thrown at me. I'm gonna kill her by the end of the summer. see if I let her have another friend over.

e-mail to "him"

flairofazure — 2004-07-02T10:07:00-05:00

And don't you dare TLDR :P

Since you were "toasty" when you called, you didn't get the words of wisdom I was going to spout to you. Your whiskey wisdom made me think, and I think you should say what you said in a mirror. You're one of the things, I think, a teacher fears most. You learn at an amazing rate, you absorb and understand, and you are one the most intelligent people I have ever known. But you don't do the work for it, no homework, no studying or needing tutors. The teacher understands that you know it, but they can't prove it on paper. And I think that is one thing you have always taken for granted. You can learn at an amazing rate, and rarely need help, so you take it for granted.

I want you to know that you balance me, as weird as it sounds, you're the one thing that keeps me from falling over the many edges that I frequently stand on. From becoming too academic, or too stressed or too close to my proverbial forest to see the proverbial trees. And after reading Da Vinci's Code, it made me start to think. I think the reason we work so well together and the reason what we feel so natural, is that we are eachother in many ways, only opposite. And I hope you see it too.

But, back to my ass-kicking of your proverbial ass which will not go on a rampage any time soon. This place that you are right now is not High School, it is not Spencerville or Hilport, it is not the middle east nor Virginia. It is not some small dot on a map that you will be sent away from, or move away from. The ship and the people on it are currently your life. They probably don't care that yhe chick you're in love with hates her job or has a severely ill mother. They care that you do your job, and that you do it correctly. And that's how it's going to be until you get out of there in a couple of years. This is not something that can be fixed with a flying rampage, or a little birdie, or a passionate kiss. I don't think it is fixable, but there is a way out of it. Live it as though everyday was your last day there. As if you go back to a job you enjoy more tomorrow.

This is my [sage] advice to you: as of right now, go with it. Do what they want you to do, deal with the bullshit, because you will be better off for it. And, even when your head goes into a rampage there's gonna be this little voice of reason (most of the time it's reasonable) and it's called FlairOfAzure. E-mail, phone, whatever. Do I know how much you hate it? Yeah, I do, because I quite possibly feel the same thing towards my job.

I know what you're capable of, and I know you can fail when you want but you accel at even failing, if that makes sense. You want to know why I think you stuck yourself in the Navy, in the position you're in? Because I think you realized living life in Spencerville wasn't what you wanted for yourself, that living with your parents the rest of your life wasn't where you were gonna end up, that you needed to make something of yourself and you realized it was too late to make High School that turning point. Thats what I think. I think you know what you truely are capable of, and the thing is, you don't let others, especially the ones you work with, see it. And I have yet to figure out why. Maybe because it would require you to think, and show that you know what you know. Maybe it's true that hard habits are hard to break, even the ones from a forsaken High School...

I love you so much,

FlairOfAzure

I miss him

flairofazure — 2004-07-11T11:07:00-05:00

I miss him, so much. I wish i could just see him or hear his voice. He would have made Friday so much better. I think someone found this, so if you have just let me know, it's no big deal. Friday was good but it also kinda sucked for me. I'm glad other people had a good time. I forgot that I needed someone not interested in the usualy bullshit that comes up at 3 in the morning, to talk to and keep me interested. I dunno, I guess I get bored with shallow conversations, squeally laughs and unfunny things. I guess I also planned on watching the movies I wanted to. Next time, it'll be better planned, and hopefully, I'll have one when he's home. So he can make me unmiserable at 3 in the uncomfortable morning, and hold me when I can't sleep.

it is..

flairofazure — 2004-07-17T09:07:00-05:00

it is time to be tired
it is time to go home
it is time to relax
and time to stop your mind.

it's never time to forget
or quit while you're ahead.
it's not time to be imperfect
nor be rude at anytime.

it's time to be happy,
but never by yourself.
it's time to eat freely
but always watch your weight.

it's not time to grow up
but there's always time to mature.
Never forget your past
and always plan on the future.

new poem

flairofazure — 2004-07-22T07:07:00-05:00

heartbroken?
not just yet
leave it to another girl
she'll get you every time.
she'll see him for him
and every reason for love.
he'll see the phone
and knows he won't call.
he can tell her everything,
but not the new girl,
why could she think
that he would be hers
one thousand miles away?

now

flairofazure — 2004-07-27T12:07:00-05:00

I have realized why I don't like caring. I continually can't win, and it must be someway that life has planed for me. I'm currently sitting here, alone, completely bored and I have ansolutely no motivation to do anything but call him. And he's either working, sleeping, or hanging out with his friends, and I'm not a big fan of interrupting his sleep or his friends, since he can't answer his phone while working, cause it doesn't work there. I think that maybe one day, I'm just gonna leave and not come back.

fuck that. I want to do NOTHING and I don't want anymore questiopning or demands or chores or work or anything! FUCK THIS LIFE.

"I'm happy"

flairofazure — 2004-07-27T02:07:00-05:00

Coming from him, it probably means that he choses to have a girlfriend with him. Which means that my life will probably suck. Plus he leaves in less than a month for his 6 month cruise... I want to win this fight... please?

can you forget..

flairofazure — 2004-07-28T10:07:00-05:00

How I look? I can't forget how you look. Can you forget the first time we "made up"? I can't, it'll forever be in my head, how good it felt and how nice it was to be held. Can you forget how I taste? Because I feel like your taste is constantly haunting me. Can you forget how I smell? You smell so fresh, and clean, and so much like you. Can you forget my smile? Because I remember your smiles, I remember some from way back, when we first met almost. Can you forget how to make me smile? I remember how ticklish you are, and what jokes set you off. Do you remember the State Fair, 'Summer Catch', or 'Rat Race'? I remember each one, I remember being held by you. Can you forget how my love felt for you? Because I will always love you, and I will always have the need to call you and hear your voice. I will always want yout kisses and your touch. I will always remember all of this, whether or not you do, I guess that'll be what tells us if this is real for both of us. Do you remember Michelle? I do, and I remember how much it hurt me, and how hurt you looked when I cried because I couldn't kiss you. I remember the regret in your voice telling me about her, and about this new girl. I remember when you were going to be placed in Norfolk permenantly, and I looked for colleges around you so that I could be with you atleast part of our lives, while each living alone. I remember all of our plans, and all of our hopes and dreams. I remember you in High school, you right before you went to basic training, right before going over seas, when you lived with Lisa, when you came home and "hooked up" with Michelle, when you came home to me and I fell in love with you all over again. I remember all of this, and I don't ever want to forget it. I will walk over ot coals, travel the world far and wide if it makes you happy. But all I want, is knowing that my love is enough to survive not seeing you for 6 months, getting through this hellish year, me having to choose schools and locations and dealing with my family. I want to know if it'll be strong enough to keep you with me, without the need for someone else for you.

no subject

flairofazure — 2004-07-29T02:07:00-05:00

what would he do if this was switched? if I told him his love fades over distance, and that i needed another guy to keep me happy?

I'm up-beat again!

flairofazure — 2004-08-01T09:08:00-05:00

but.. he lost his phone.. poor baby.. means I'll have to learn a new number, poor me. anyway, here's

Your fortune for today is:

What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which nobody
really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday Morning Time,
whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-launch-style "hold" for
two to three hours, during which it just remains 7 a.m. This way we could
all wake up via a civilized gradual process of stretching and belching and
scratching, and it would still be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually
emerge from bed.
-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"

have fun :) I love him, he knows it, I know he loves me, we're gonna be ok

I'm off...

flairofazure — 2004-08-15T07:08:00-05:00

for a week! enjoy your week!

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack

flairofazure — 2004-08-23T03:08:00-05:00

Back from band camp, long story short. I didn't like it as much as I used to, but other people's CIT year sucked too, so next year should be better. During camp he left, he went underway for atleast 6 months. I have lots of homework to do, some stuff to catch up on. Senior pictures soon, job quitting soon, new job soon, beginning of senior year soon...

where did my life go?

what I would like to say to him

flairofazure — 2004-08-28T10:08:00-05:00

I miss you more than anything, and love you more than that. I wish I could kiss you. You keep haunting me. I wish I could rub in your face that I plan on going on a date. But I can't. I might tell you, actually, I probably will. But I doubt anything will happen. Because I know what it's like on the recieving end. I know what my mind says "go get wild on some guy and tell everyone about it. Make him learn the lesson you've learned 40 million times. Make him feel the pain that you've felt more time then you've cared to count."

I can't, I can't even fly myself down there, for fear or ruining something. Even though that something hurts me more than anything I've felt before. I can't be the one to make you unhappy. One of my friends who doesn't know you, compared what you do to "abuse", yeah I can see where he got that. But it's not, because if I wanted out, I could say so, and so could you. Yes, I guess it is a form of "abuse" but not the kind that you hear about. It's the abuse life and love get you. It's the abuse of a long-distance relationship. It's the abuse of you being in the Navy, and me living with my parents. It's nothing either one of us can stop.

Well, actually, you could. And I want you to, but I can't ask you to. You could stop hanging out with girls and breaking my heart. You could stop being charming and everything you are. But I can't ask you to. You deserve the attention, the attention you've deserved from the beginning that only I saw.

I guess I just wish I could be a bigger part of your life everyonce in a while. More than a phone call or an e-mail. More than a breif thought during work or a fight or a kiss. More than a breif leave, a week of kisses and touches, and then nothing more than thoughts. God, I wish I was there with you.

new e-mail to him

flairofazure — 2004-09-07T07:09:28-05:00

I shot 72 today, got a 4 and 6 on two holes, other than that I sucked today. I must have been invisible too, cause two different people didn't notice me. One drove in front of me as I was chipping to the green, the other almost ran me over with his golf cart. Also, drum roll please, I just quit my job. And, I'm planning on losing all of the weight I've gained this wonderful summer. I've quit biting my nails, for the most part..

I will never kick your ass at swimming o air hockey, you can have those. Oh, and you can have pool too, cause I suck at that. I have a set of books for you to read, maybe I'll give 'em to you when you get back. They're nothing what you'd think they were, atleast the first one isn't. The LOTR triology, I've read most of the first book, and almost nothing is the same as the movie. Did you ever send that book in Drizzt series, if not I'll pick it up this weekend, probably.

I got a new job. Something I absolutely love. I work at a pets shop, my friend's parents own it, and I had a job before I filled out the application. I'm gonna work weekends and maybe friday nights. It's so much fun, and I get to work with animals :)

Ok, to alcohol. I like it because it's fun, I've never been smashed/trashed/sloshed, never even gotten a buzz. I like the comfy "I don't care" feeling. But with the friends I've got, I'm not around alcohol anyway. i couldn't do that to my body anyway, right now. I don't have the time for it. However, I do plan on getting a tattoo this spring/summer and two more peircings before you get home. Both on my ears, of course.. we all know how good ears are.

Congrats with the job :) you deserve more responsibility and trust and whatnot. And you also deserve to have someone have you back. You really do. I talked to your mom. How come you didn't tell me about the nude board walk in Spain? hmmmmmm? :-*

I love you,

FlairofAzure

no subject

flairofazure — 2004-09-07T07:09:18-05:00

HOW DO I LOG OUT OF THIS THING?

school

flairofazure — 2004-09-13T07:09:08-05:00

I don't deserve to complain, I put myself in this position.

I don't deserve to be in the classes I'm in. I'm not smart enough, nor full of enough bullshit to get me through any of this.

I don't deserve to feel like this. Any of my emotions. Love, hate, sadness.. none of them.. they should just, go to someone else.. I'd rather be emotionless...

I always knew I was afraid to be alone

flairofazure — 2004-09-16T07:09:33-05:00

And now I know how it feels. It feels empty and cold and tempered and... alone

I don't understand how he can date someone and be in love with me. I just don't get it. Maybe I need to stop with guys. I'll become a hermit, again. Quiet, shy and alone.. I stayed safe that way

copied and pasted

flairofazure — 2004-09-26T09:09:19-05:00

For what it's worth.. I regret kissing you, for messing up a friendship, for not taking the chance to graduate early to be with you. There will always be regrets, and there will always be choices. there are no more things now than there were when you were in Norfolk or Chicago or anywhere else. Perspective changes, choices change, path deviate. It's up to you for what you want to regret. Its up to everyone to make those choices. I used to say regrets didn't matter. Things have changed in my perspective, but regret will always be there, whether I think it matters or not.

Go ahead, see where things go, with whomever you choose, but making choices because of a regret tally, isn't a way I'd pick. I'd pick the one that I could say "I did this, and it was better than my regrets". I have choices too, i could show up to see your ship come in, or show up during Feb break, or show up in September for school. Those are my choices, my regrets and decisions to tally. You have to make the choice for you. You just have to let the rest of us know how you want to be happy. Because thats all most of us want anyway. I regret kissing you because it took away something we both could use right about now. It took away my best friend, showed me the pain of regret, and taught me lessons. See, regrets aren't always negative. They're just something we wish we could have changed. It's not like saying "oh I wish I didn't smoke crack that night because I wouldn't have killed her" ya know? It's just something you would have done
differently.

Would I have said that before Aanastacia or Michelle or anyone else? I don't know. One of us finding someone else is always an option of life, it could have happened with either of us even after we got married and had kids. Like you said, life throws you curve balls. Sometimes you have to take one for the team, and sometimes you can duck, and sometimes you can beat it.

If we do get together, it would be a whole hell of a lot of work. You taught me how to trust people, and believe in people, and a lot of other things. You've taught me how I won't go anywhere being quiet, besides to the library. And right now, I would throw away all of that to be held by you. All of it. To be told that is was just a practical joke and none of it mattered. Well, it does matter. and I've been hurt worse than ever before. So it would take a lot of work to rebuild whats inside, even if I do love you, which I do. Because of this, I found how many other people truely do love me. And how protective they are, and how much they honestly do care and understand.

I might have eventually said that, but if I do end up married to my
best friend, there would be nothing to regret.

no subject

flairofazure — 2004-12-29T06:12:17-05:00

I didn't say I love you
but I really wanted to.
I just hung up,
and felt like I got punched.
I'm sitting here hunched over
in an empty room.
Feeling like I did back then,
When you ripped my heart out.
The blood rushed to my face
the water poured from my eyes
and I fought it all back
I continually fight
If only you knew
if you could only see.
You should open your eyes,
Look in your heart,
And know what you do to me.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-01-07T09:01:19-05:00

are you a mess? Why do you act like you have everything together, and you're just hostile at the world? Your friends annoy you. Your reflecting isn't who you want it to be. Isn't the person it was, she isn't happy, isn't content, doesn't care. She looks like a shell, and thats how it feels too. Compared to the rest of the world, you have it good. You get an education, an education better than most Americans get. The same education Europeans and other world students get. You pretend to be intelligent, when all it is good luck and charm. You've even been told that you've got a stronger work ethic than anyone people have ever seen. That you're not only intelligent but amazing in other ways.

How can you be any of these thing, FlairofAzure, is you're not happy?

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-01-15T01:01:03-05:00

Maybe if I spelled things wrong or used wrong words, I'd be validated, too?

I'm so sick of being depressed. So very sick of it. I wish I could be happy for a day. I think I'd be content with knowing what happiness was and the fact that I could experience it.

I'm sick of validating people. I need to be validated, too. Oh, well. I'll have to validate myself, some more.

Excuse me while I go swear at the world's population.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-01-17T10:01:45-05:00

Talking to one of my friends, while we finish our procrastinated work.. tells me one thing: people don't know how to be flexible. Even open-minded people. She's amazingly brilliant, yet refuses to bend to new ideas and ways of thinking. She has two outlines due. Yet, refuses to do them correctly because she "doesn't think in outlines" so she's spent over an hour on a BASIC outline, because she doesn't think in the "correct terms" What in hell is she going to do in college? A professor is not going to be like "it's okay honey, write however the hell you want" if he wants an outline, thats wha t he wants. Yes, I realize that was very sexist. I do not care.

I try to be open-minded. Try to do what people want, because they want it that way for a reason. If I was a teacher, I'd want it done a specific way.. a BASIC OUTLINE means, less than a page. Short, simple, give me bullets, main ideas, some detail, you're good. Sure, it's an easy assignment to bullshit, but it will only hurt you in the end. I hope I become someone in the future that makes people miserable because I make them be flexible...

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-01-30T09:01:58-05:00

I'm just frustrated. With my friends, how we always do the same things. With my family, because nothing is ever right, and there is almost always a fight. My political views are wrong. My history is wrong. Me wanting to go to school, a private school, that's going to cost money, is wrong and laughable.

Oh, and one of my really close friends is currently keeping a secret from me and a bunch of other people. Wonderful. I don't even know anymore. I wish I could shut off my brain and just stop for once. Stop everything. And make sense of some of it.

Good for him

flairofazure — 2005-02-24T01:02:24-05:00

"Ok so thing with me are at an all time high right now"

Good. I'm happy for you. You deserve to be happy. I'll just sit here. Pretending to be ok. While living and finishing this hell.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-04-19T01:04:57-05:00

Boo te do

I'm fine and dandy, and feeling decently well. It's like 60ish here, and fantastico. I'm hoping to get together with the new dude soon. The old one is gone.. because.. because life goes on, continually and perpetually, without stopping to let you off..

It feels good to be content :)

the Human Condition

flairofazure — 2005-05-02T07:05:35-05:00

In my English class we always talk about the very general themes of poetry or other piece of text that we have recently read. And I read the internet, blogs, friend's insights, forums with all sorts of people, news papers from around the world, and lately I've noticed a very simple human emotion. Loneliness.

When I was hypnotized this weekend, I remember more of it than I let on, usually, but some of it I have truely forgotten. Anyway, at one point the hypnotist said that any noise anyone else in the room makes, it just reminds you that you're not alone. And if the person next to you touches it, it reminds you that you're not alone. It was comforting to know that I was not alone. Or what it? Since I remember it, does that mean that I was truely hypnotized? We can discuss hypnotism later, but it just bring sup an interesting point. The human condition of being alone. Many females want a male counterpart in order to feel safe, warm, or like she belongs somewhere. I've had those feelings as well, most of them while lonely in a cold bed.

Anyway, almost any poem or piece of writing can be based on the feelings and emotions of being alone. Some poets even wrote so that they did not feel like they were alone, but they wrote in order to contact other people. (yes, please feel free to notice that my class's focus is on Poetry this semester). Occasionally a way of life is centered around loneliness. Some women have babies in order to feel loved. Some people stay in abusive relationships because they like to feel loved in this lonely world. Some people have sex in order to be un-alone. Others turn to music, poetry, or other forms of art. All of which can express feelings of loneliness.

And I think I finally realized this, after recognizing that I don't need someone else to feel like I belong. I'd like someone else to come along for the ride. I'd love to have someone to talk to, or discuss books or thing with. But, in reality, the only person you really need, in order to feel comfortable, is yourself. Because other people will come and go, but you can't just up and leave yourself. Yes, trust me, I've tried.

Studying

flairofazure — 2005-05-04T07:05:01-05:00

Now, I'm very stressed about my finals, very stressed. But I'm not about to go cram. Cramming doesn't work. I don't get over-worked about it. I'm just stressed, which is normal. People are freaking out, and stuff. Not y style. And it's startng to get on my nerves. I'm just tired, and stressed, and having to remember things, not only academic but personal, from a year ago, is starting to really throw me for a loop. The one person that I'd usually call, I won't. Because I'm stubborn, and I don't want to hurt him. He doesn't need that nor me, so it's fine. I don't know. Writing in this journal is a lot easier than writing in some of my others, maybe because there is just a blank face on this side of the screen. I could call people names and rant and rave, and stay quietly behind a smooth facade. Put a cedez on that "c" please. Anyway, time to go study, and then chill out, and sleep. Maybe tomorrow will get better in the exam area of things.

Love

flairofazure — 2005-05-11T05:05:04-05:00

Love is an amazing thing. It can be considered an emotion, an action and many other things in many contexts.

I was in love, still am in love. But, this is not going to be about me. It's about the guy that I have loved since I knew him. And how he no longer loves me, but has a different type of love for someone else. Which is fine, it is his choice.

When I'm with him, we balance each other out. He's the free spender, the more spontaneous one. I'm much calmer, more focused. The new girl is more like him. And he's changed a lot. And I can see it every time he writes something or when I talk to him. I can see it how he avoids me. I can see it in the story he told about getting "legally detained" It's not the man I love, but he's coming back in June. I don't want him to. I'm finally okay with everything.

It might sounds like complaining, but it really isn't. Just observations, and the desires of a lonely female.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-05-13T06:05:39-05:00

Off to Quebec for the weekend. I love to travel, usually, but right now, I kinda don't want to go. Maybe it's the 10 hour bus ride?

But, being that I should be close to fluent in French and that I love the Europeanesque culture, it should turn out to be fun. I hope I've packed everything...

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-05-19T03:05:33-05:00

Ok, the guy I talked about in the last few entries. He's still a large part of my life. And I was/am considered part of his family, and I consider his family a large part of my life. His paternal grandfather was just given last rights. My friend has to come home on medical leave. I'm a wreck. And, there isn't anyone to tell that would understand.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-05-29T10:05:57-05:00

Why is life based on fear? Fear of things, water, fire, rape, murder

Why is life based on fear of actions? being alone, being wrong, making wrong choices, not fitting in

Why do people base their life on a fear of living?

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-06-13T09:06:15-05:00

I need to write, but I can't write in my other journal, because it would sway someone's choices, and I can't bring myself to do that. It's not how I play "the game," hell, right now, I don't even know what the point of playing the game is. Not this game, and.. it's just.. I don't know what the goal is right now, it kind of is just in this gray area, that exists between two worlds.

Anyway

I don't want to live through my memories anymore. I can remember what it was like last May. Or what my friendships were like earlier this year. Or, how I felt when I found out all sorts of news, news about my mother, or best friend, or boyfriend, or best friends breaking up. I know all sorts of things, remember all sorts of things. Like, the weekend I had my wisdom teeth out, we had an ice storm, and I was really worried that I wouldn't be able to kiss my boyfriend that would come home from over seas the next weekend.

But, yeah. I've been dating this other guy, and yeah, it's fine. We kiss and whatever, but.. it's just missing something. It's boring. When you kiss, you're not supposed to think of anything, the world is supposed to stop, except for you, and the person attatched at your lips. And.. that's how it's supposed to be. Instead, I think about all sorts of things. Like, how he tastes like the pot he got high off of a few days ago, or the cigarette he claims he doesn't smoke. Or, how much I don't want him in my pants, because it's so freaking hot and humid I'm sticky enough as it is. Or how the kiss was too long. You're not supposed to think those things. You're just supposed to.. feel.. or something.

I want my memories back, I want them to be real. I want my God damned fairy tale, and I fucking want it now. I don't care that I'm leaving this place, again, in a few months. I don't care that I've started over. I want to start over, in order to fix things that I screwed up. Go back to last July.. and everything could be changed. My mother could be dead, or even healthier, I could still have a boyfriend and be going to school near him. I could be happy with myself... again. But.. this time we don't get to start over. And I just want to live my memories, being held and just being able to know what another person is thinking, or when they're hiding something, or lying. I want him back.. we split up, due to him... and look where we end up.

I gave up, a few times.. we both did. And we end up on the phone talking about how crappy our lives are, and relationships are, and how the new person doesn't know us. Maybe he's like my art. I'm cursed with the arts, anything artistic (not to toot my own horn, because I hate that) and I can end up with someone telling me I should develop a passion for it and run with it. I'm forever cursed with them.. but somehow can't ever have them.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-06-27T08:06:59-05:00

I am very very confused right now. It feels like I'm in this fog with bodies passing me all around, but I can't see anyone or make sense of anything I see.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-06-28T06:06:55-05:00

Thank you zaraphilips (even though I'm not on your friends list anymore :P), for your advice. I finally took it. I finally asked a question I was dying to ask. And he does not love her. And, although I am not willing to write about these past few days, I will tell you that a piece of my life, my heart, and my soul has come together. Yes, playing pretend will continue to be difficult, but now, I have an extra piece of confidence that was badly needed.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-07-02T11:07:57-05:00

yay, I messed up again. Do a dance for me, because, God knows I'm not in the mood

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-07-12T10:07:51-05:00

How do you help a serviceman with low moral, who is across the country? He claims the whole ship has low moral, and it's the 3 head dude's fault. He all ready doesn't like his job, and he gets out next fall... any suggestions?

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-08-04T07:08:22-05:00

I just bought a new webcam... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... no one to play with it yet though... soon enough!

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-08-08T10:08:13-05:00

When I picked a college to go to, I applied to 4. Ithaca College, Bradley Univ., Xavier, and Washington College. I was accepted at all of them, except Washington needed me to visit to finalize the process. BEing that my mother was freshly out of the hospital, we didn't have the time or money to visit them, so it was down to 3 colleges. I recieved a phone call from Xavier (in Cincinati), saying that it was the most academically challenging college I could choose. So, being that I spent the last two years of highschool in academic hell (IB) that was eliminated. So it was down to Bradley and Ithaca. Bradley has a very strong program for International Relations, which is what I want to go into, and then possibly law school. They offered me everything except a plane ride in order for me to go there. It is an 11 hour car ride to Bradley from my house. Ithaca is 2.5 hours away, and I have to get a diploma in Political Science in order to do what I want to do. I am also in NYS, which is something I said I would never do. I always vowed to leave NY for some place much different. My mother got sick during the application process, and I had relationship issues, which prevented me from applying to a southern school, which is what I wanted to do. Ok, so now I have a choice between Bradley and Ithaca. It's around February, and my mother has just gotten through a very rough flare. Being the responsible teen I am, I thought about it for a very long time, and although I des[erately wanted to go to Bradley, Ithaca was the smarter choice for my family. So, I sent in my money, and am now going to Ithaca College as a political science major, who is possibly doing pre-law. One of my bestfriends is in the Navy, and once he gets out, is going to go to school (Oct '06). He has decided that he wants to go to school up here, and/or near me. Well, he is currently an ET3 aboard a ship in Jacksonville, and one of the reasons I didn't apply to a southern school. He's thinking about being an engineer, there are only a few problems. The school I go to, doesn't have an engineering program. The school across the way, he wouldn't be able to afford, the GI Bill would cover ONE YEAR barely. Ok, so.. Ithaca is out of the question, so is Cornell. I'm rather pissed at myself, because I'm not going where I want to reeally go, and my friend may not get what he wants, either. I took a look at Bradley. It is not only more affordable.. it has both of our majors, and strong programs for both. This is why I hate making decisions.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-08-12T05:08:31-05:00

I want to know why it takes my sister over an HOUR to get ready.. I got dressed and am ready to go in 10 minutes... a freakin' hour!!! in one bathroom!I'd hate myself if I took that long, what a waste of time..

I don't understand this boy thing

flairofazure — 2005-08-24T03:08:10-05:00

Why do guys feel the need to push everyone away to solve their own problems? Even the ones that they love, like.. a girlfriend and best friend. Why do it at the perfectly wrong time of year? Why does this happen, new curve balls, new shit to worry about, just when other stuff is already started and just going... I need a hug, and a long-distance smile, and a good laugh, and a loving person on the other end of the phone. And he's just taken that away, because he feels he needs to figure himself out. Granted, it's only for a week, but right now.. that seems like a life time. You'd think after 9 months of barely talking, a major death in the family, another chance to make things work... he'd trust himself and me enough.. to jump in, together, head first, into this new abyss his life is entering. He thinks it's time to grow up, I think he already has, he just needs to see who he really is.

He claims that if I'm around to "distract" him from getting super frustrated with himself, he'll never get anything down. But, without his distractions, I'd still be stuck in a sucky town, hating life, instead of learning to be what I love being

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-08-27T11:08:49-05:00

well, everyone that's going (or returning) to school is eitheron their last day home or at school. And I don't really miss them. I don't miss the drama or the "additions" to plans or friends or whatever. This summer kind of sucked, maybe net year will be better, well I know part of it will be better. I just hope he gets into Cornell, I really do. He'll be a veteran, and schools love diversity, so maybe it'll work out.

Ha, last night was the first time we had computer sex, I guess if that's what you want to call it. Small comments or actions that I know turn him on, it was fun.

I have a cold

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-08-28T09:08:16-05:00

I want someone to explain to me why my 101 German class has more homework than my 300 level French class. Why I've been working my free time this weekend all in German, and my French homework literally took me 5 minutes. Oh, and with my fine language skills.. notice the lack of an english class

One girl

flairofazure — 2005-08-30T07:08:02-05:00

In the world can make me so... upset. I'm normally a very steady person, mentally and physically. I'm not known to get extremely upset over simple things, and I have very steady hands for a person skilled in the fine arts (a lot of musicians shake for some odd reason). Anyway, I get 2 simple texts while at work today, from the "ex-girlfriend" that really wants to be my friend. Ie: she wants someone to listen to her moaning, whining and complaining, and go to her ex-boyfriend and tell him how she needs pity and someone to hold her. I don't really LIKE her, maybe in different circustances we could have been friends, but it ain't happening. She made my bestfriend, and love of my life, compromise over talking to and otherwise corresponding with me. Anyway, about a week ago she called me and I wasvery very very upset. Upset to the point of almost vomiting and being violent towards inatimate objects... not normal for me.

Anyway... she wants me to call.. and I don't know if I'm going to.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-09-07T08:09:06-05:00

I think I might become addicted to running or atleast cardio workouts.. I feel quite alive and it's only 8:44

I also smell

Friends

flairofazure — 2005-09-09T02:09:54-05:00

Ok, so I have another journal that all of my friends from home, high school, my boyfriend, his freidns, friends from all over, etc can see. I use it to post about silly things, sometimes things that really bother me, or whatever. This one I post to so that I don't get anything like "oh, we love you, smile"

Because most of the time I don't want that reaction, I was an informative, guiding, or funny response. Loving me won't fucking help me most of the time. I made a point a while ago about making a wrong choice and not knowing how to fix it. All I got from my friends (aka: highschool friends) was, don't worry, you'll know what to do, we love you, be happy.

I DON'T WANT TO BE FUCKING HAPPY. I wanted to fix a mistake, and I needed wisdom I didn't have. When I'm home, they constantly tell me what I should/shouldn't do. "Go with us camping your last weekend home. You'll make us feel bad. Com'on, just do it. You know you want to. Smile. We love you. Come with us. Do it." Yeah, well fuck them. I didn't end up going because I spent the weekend doing things with my family rather than my friends that pissed me off.

I made a post about how I'd like to be able to use the skills I've worked so hard to achieve (language, arts, math) and one of my friends just reiterates all of my points, another is like "You'll use it all eventually, smile, we love you." One of my boyfriend's friends, who has become my friend, gave me advice to help me us my skills.. read foreign magazines, watch foreign films, put on a different language of DVDs. That is what gave me hope, none of this "I love you" bullshit

Anyway, sorry for the rant, I'm just frustrated with my friends, once again..

Thank you notes

flairofazure — 2005-09-13T11:09:38-05:00

I wrote my final thank you note today. From my party in late June. But this one was special. At one point, I tried to write it, while watching X Men 2, and just started to cry. Well, I finally wrote it, It's been written. Hand written, and soon to be snail-mailed. Because everyone likes mail. Anyway, it's to my best friends and the only man I love. During my party he came up, and due to his girlfriend, we were only friends. However, he and I hung out Friday night, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. Seems like more than friends just trying to catch up, doesn't it?

Friday night we played pool at a billiard hall neither of us had been to. And it was cool $7.50 an hour a table. So we played. We talked about life, and sex, and the people we were dating. At one point I had a shot off the corner and he refused to move out of my way, so not only diid I have to line up a wicked shot, I had to do it while smelling him, feeling his body's electricity, and knowing he was so close all I had to do was wiggle to touch him. But I couldn't touch him. He made this big huge choice, the choice of his grilfriend, and then lying to me about it for a month. So, after a while, we got bored (I lost all 3 games, big suprise there), so he drove me around. He and I live in small towns a few miles apart, so he drove around his town to special spots, like the favorite house his parents had, his paper route, where his aunt anduncle lived. Etc etc. And he came right out and said that he didn't know why he was doing this, because he'd never do it with his current girlfriend.

Saturday was my graduation. And then I went out with his family for Habor Fest, which included firworks. His father wanted to take a boat out on the lake to watch, and I got very cold. And I refused to ask him to hold me to make me warm. He's always warm, even when he says he's cold.

Sunday was my party, he showed up. At one point my friend ad I got all the little kids armed with squirt guns, and attacked him. HE retailiated by getting the bottle from a gun, and dumping it all over my head. It was warm pool water, but it was still good to be relaxed enough to flirt.

Monday... ah sweet Monday. His grandfather passed away about a month before all of this, and he couldn't afford to come home for the funeral. So I told him I'd go with him to the cemetary to do whatever he felt he needed to do. And he cried. And I cried. So, it was a bondin experience. Just sitting in the dry grass, holding eachother and crying. At one point he goes "this is a kind of torture isn't it?" And yeah, it was. I told him all I wanted to do was hold him, because it was all I could do to protect him from the pain of everything that happened in his life. And I tried to explain why I wouldn't call or be intrusive on his relationship. Anyway, we didn't kiss or anything

We went back to my house because I had softball to coach, and I wanted him to listen to this new artist that I had just discovered. So he sat there, and I sat next to him and all of a sudden he goes "Fuck it all" took my face in his hands and just kissed me. The most healing kiss in the entire world. And then I hid, I hid from the world, from my own personal shame. I hid from his face and his piercing and knowing eyes, and from the mouth that I wanted to kiss but if I did it would hurt someone else.

That night we went to the beach, because it was something we has always said we would do, but never did. And we walked, and held hands, and talked. Afterwards he said he wanted to talk, so I know of a cute little bizarre parking lot, so I drove there, pulled it and looked at him. We started to talk, and then moved to the back seat to be more comfortable. And backseats are anything but comfortable.

I am slightly ashamed of what I did that night, with a man that was technically taken. But I love him, and we both had the option to say no, multiple times.

The girlfriend is now gone. Not because of that night. But, according to his mother, because of the entire weekend. I asked him why it didn't work with her, and he gave e some response, and my reply was "why did you let yourself settle?" he didn't know the answer.

Anyway. I wrote my thank you note. I said thank you for attendance and for being him, and for him growng up. And then I said that I loved him (nothing he hasn't heard before) and that I was truley thankful for him loving me the way that he does.

I'm okay with being alone, I'm comfortable most of the time, although sometimes bored, I enjoy silence and my own company. But I'd really like it if he was along by my side for the rest of this ride called life.

Diagnose me

flairofazure — 2005-09-20T05:09:47-05:00

I've had a headache since Sunday afternoon. When I try to sleep it off, I just become more tired. I tried Ib Profin, doesn't touch it. I've been dizzy and light-headed since Monday. I fainted today at work, probably form the heat of the oven and the fans not workng

what's wrong with me

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-09-22T12:09:02-05:00

Ok, so I finally broke down and went to the college health center, something I don't do.. at all. Blech. Anyway, I got a basic lecture about stress, etc. And she thinks I'm either anemic or have mono. I've been given 500mg of Naproxen to take twice a day. Which didn't help yesterday, but I'm like 90% better today, so it should work out.

I found out my plans during Christmas break might turn out icky. I'm going on the suger pill (as opposed to the Pill) starting the 25th of December. That's right folks, I will be in hormone withdrawl for Christmas... however I most likely won't have my period for Christmas or New Years.

I have an interview today, which I think I want to go well, but I'm not sure what's gonna happen if Ido get one of the nine spots open. It'll make my life interested, I'll meet new people, and travel atleast once with the group. However there is this thing called homework that I'm not so sure about. Oh well, we'll see what happens :)

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-09-22T09:09:57-05:00

The only thing I've wanted (besides my headache to go away, which it pretty much has) is to see him. /to be held and to smell and to feel safety. To feel like I can't screw something up, which I've done a bang-up job of most of the time.

He's going home this weekend. At this point, I have no way to get home. He said he'll call me if I can't go up. I don't think I want a phone call, because it'd just show what I've been given to live with for one more weekend...

I wish someone could hold me. No. I wish he could hold me.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-09-25T04:09:17-05:00

People speak of electricity or a spark of some kind when touching a person, or being with a person. I'verealized how true that is, and how much I miss it. I went home this weekend to see my amazing boyfriend and his family. And, even if I bent down next to him there was that electrical tension, when we were supposed to act like friends, and we just stared at eachother, until something broke the spell. I like kissing him and touching him, it makes me feel alive, and sometime it makes me feel like I should jump his bones and somehow mesh our beings together.

Amazing things happen between people that haven't seen eachother in 3 months. I didn't have a headache all weekend, now that I'm back at school, it's slowly returning. Maybe it's this desk.. maybe because I feel like I belong somewhere else all too often. I think it might just be that I don't have that safety of his arms, and knowing he can pick up the phone whenever I need him. Most of the time he's working.. but eh.. I love him, he loves me, there's electricity (no rhyme intended) and maybe just maybe this whole thing will work out for us.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-09-28T08:09:33-05:00

Cold + period = sucky week

Plus, last night the freakin pad leeked, so now my clean sheets are no longer clean, and I have to figure out a way to clean them. I can't wait for two weeks until I go home again, the stupid stain might not come out. Although I only get my period twice whilein school, it still sucks when it happens. I didn't even go to the gym today, cause I figured it wouldn't be worth the mess.

Although I have to admit, being on Seasonale, and only getting my period every 13 weeks, is really amazing. And I usually only have my period for four to five days, unlike my "natural" cycle, which could last up to 14 days.

I'm definately pro-Pill, obviously. It's settled my emotions down, and I only get passing cramps, one to two days of PMS, and then back to hormonal normalty :)

Memories

flairofazure — 2005-10-07T04:10:53-05:00

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take...

A slow dance, wrapped in arms wearing a Dress Blue Navy uniform. So safe and secure and warm. Slow steps, letting him lead and listen to the music.. letting the whole scene envelope me and my mind. There was a cloud decoration that was hanging that got sprayed by sparkles that we kept running into, I was short enough to duck, but he's rud full-force into the silly thing. There were sparkles all over his uniform, his shoulders and arms and chest and pants. They were even on his face although he tried to wipe them away.

Everytime I hear this song, I can close my eyes and feel everything wash over me for a few seconds. Like I can go back to a time where life was slightly more simple, and I had dreams of joining him in the south, to find a place that I could call home. And for those few seconds with my eyes closed, I can smell him and feel his arms wrapped around me. And although I know, I know, that things are going to work this time.. these next 9 or so months, until he finds himself out of the Navy and who he really is, is going to take a very long time.

Every little thing that you do,
Baby I'm amazed by... you

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-10-09T10:10:46-05:00

sometimes it feels like you're the only person in the world
and other times it feels like you're the only one alone
it's different from not having possessions
it feels like you have nothing at all
no one to fall back on
and no one to go on midnight strolls with
no one to laugh until you cry with
so all you can do
is cry

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-10-21T06:10:52-05:00

the 6:00 news:

my boyfriend is going to be going to school with 70 credits, taking classes full-time through CD-ROM, while hopefully living here, with me. He also wants to work somewhere full-time using his computer/tech skills. So, hopeufully, we'll both get what we want: eachother :)

I barely made a 3.0 for my mid-semester grades

my family is going to South Carolina for Thanksgiving (again. Yay!)

My boyfriend is going to come have Thanksgiving with us, instead of on the ship.

My grandfather was taken to the ER monday morning, he has a tumor, is going to see an Oncologist monday. He is most likely going to go through radiation, and the they will remove it.

Halloween, one of my favorite holidays, will most likely pass without me dressing up as the normal holloween whore that I do, but maybe things will change.

hmmm, that is all

new nights

flairofazure — 2005-10-21T11:10:54-05:00

That first night
I wanted to be a princess
your princess
you were my prince
my knight
to keep me safe

The next time
    I didn't want to go
       I looked like a fallen angel
          All pretty with make up
    with sad eyes
only you could fix

And you did

My Holiday Fantasy

flairofazure — 2005-10-26T02:10:00-05:00

For both Christmas and Spring break, my boy friend and I will be together. He's coming home for 8 days for Christmas, and I'll be with him during my spring break.

And all I want to do is lay in his big bed with a wooden fram laying next to him, making the world disappear. There is something about certain people that can make anything go away, even for a brief period of time. And for there to be just him and me, touching and kissing eachother. Smelling the familiar scents of eachother. And feeling one another just breathe.

Admit it, there is something sexy to listening to someone you love, just breathe

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-10-26T11:10:02-05:00

it's 11:11

I wish I was somewhere I belonged

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-11-01T06:11:01-05:00

I smelled the rain today. And I thanked God. I haven't smelled the rain since I left home in August. When I closed my eyes, it felt like I belonged for a second

stupid friends

flairofazure — 2005-11-08T11:11:18-05:00

I don't want to have everyone know that I'm going home this weekend. These past few days my "friends" from home have been pressuring me to go out with them saturday night, which might not seem like a big deal to you, but I told them I usually have family plans at night, so if they wanted to do something let me know and we can figure it out for the morning or afternoon. But they want the 5 of us in the "core" group of friends to all be together, and I'm not willing to giv eup my family for some material manifestation of what is supposed to be a friendship. One of my friends has lied to me, hidden things from me, and has chosen to not have "idle conversations" with me because they don't mean anything to her. Another one promised he would see me over Labor day when I would be home since the middle of August, and he failed to show iup. When I mentioned to him that he missed it, he claims to not know about such a meeting. They want me to move my family time to the afternoon in order to make their plans come true, and I told them that my family comes first.

My one friend, lets call her Sally, well Sally said that I should disconnect from my family and make time for my friends. And my one friend, Bobby, said that I am apparently the only one that feels like I'm at home when I go back to that place. Which is an incorrect statement, I feel no more at home now than I did the past 4 years, but my family makes it worth the effort to take a bus home and spend time in that place. He claims that his friends are just as important as his family. Well, my family is the most important thing, not friends that pretend to care.

I should just stop telling people when I go home, it was easy last time when I did it.

Mornings

flairofazure — 2005-11-29T10:11:11-05:00

Some times morning can be the best time of day. The day afterThanksgiving had an amazing morning. I slept next to someone I love, and I woke up in a house full of love, happiness, and people. I watched the sun slowly get brighter against the window shades. I listened to the house awakening, and to the breathing and waking of him next to me. I listened to the dogs and cats that woke and wanted to play or eat. I woke up to a beautiful day, where if anything had gone wrong, it wouldn't have mattered, but the rest of the day was going to be alright.

These past two mornings have been hell compared to that. I've woken up wanting to be somewhere else. Wanting to kiss him goodmorning and jump into a hot shower to come out smelling clean and fresh, ready for the day. Wanting to see the sun, and smell the air, and see people that I love and that love me. Instead I wake to this cell of a room. Having a beautiful view I no longer want to have. I wake up to someone sleeping across the room in a bed, that I don't really know. I wake up to see cold looking buildings scattered across the landscape, a lake that grows uglier with eat passing autumn day.

I wake up alone, and quite lonely. And scared, that some day I'm going to look back on this, and have it be my first real big regret in life.

But there are only 14 more mornings until I spend over a month at home. And then 15 weeks of mornings after that until Summer. As each morning passes, and my day slowly gets started, I prepare myself for the next morning. Because it would surely be worse if I had to deal with more than one morning at a time.

no subject

flairofazure — 2005-11-30T08:11:52-05:00

Do you know how I know I've fallen back into a some-what depression? I'm not hungry enough to bring myself to eat anything other than cereal

The human condition

flairofazure — 2005-12-09T05:12:29-05:00

When one is alone, one wants other people, because as humans we feel the need to be social. Well, I have found a problem with this. I have found that people are quite annoying.

for christmas

flairofazure — 2005-12-28T10:12:58-05:00

My boyfriend came home. We hung out a lot, took advantage of our limited privacy. He came over Christmas night so that we could exchange our gifts and say goodbye. He left the 26th on a 5am flight. He got my a gorgeous necklace (from Lord of the Rings) and I got him a ring with a chain on it in order for him to wear it at work.

I love when he comes home. But I hate it too, because it means he needs to leave again. He'll be moving back home in October though... so if we can make it through until then, we won't be out of battles to fight, but this small part of the war will be over.

love

flairofazure — 2006-01-03T01:01:00-05:00

There are many types of love. And the one type girls always seem to want, and have a desire to find in any relationship, is what I have. The "never give up, never surrender" type of love. The type where he is the only one I would give up my dreams for, and he is the only one that wouldn't allow me to give them up. Where if unhappiness was somehow involved in our relationship, we would work to fix it. And if it came down to it, leave eachother if it meant happiness for the other. The type of relationship where we feel no need to lie to others about it, or hide it anymore.

I've had to make decisions about giving up, or how to fight against things that threatened my happiness in the relationship. A girl got in the way. I chose to let them be, until he decided to come back, even as just friends, because it was the only way to keep him happy. I refused to call him, or bother him with the things in my life, because she would pick a fight and make me feel like his and my relationship was getting in the way of his and her happiness.

And I would do it again. Never give up, never surrender. Just love.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-14T05:01:53-05:00

back at school

lonely as hell

my sex drive is lost

I guess I'll just wait for my phone call..

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-16T06:01:20-05:00

I'm already sick of this place, and it was only first day of classes

blah

home

flairofazure — 2006-01-20T10:01:34-05:00

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-20T11:01:15-05:00

I'm upset at mindsay, I had a really good entry, and.. they didn't get published

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-21T05:01:23-05:00

I hate it here

I hate people

I hate not having an privacy, not being able to just go do something. Always needing someone to tag along. Oh, wait, that happens when I'm home too. Fuck the world.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-27T04:01:24-05:00

My new annoyance:

Giving advice one is not wis enough for or in the place of giving it. If you are in college you are not in a place to give advice to "college goers" unless it is for people who are entering college. Something that is done is something that someone can give advice about. High school, the application process to college, the settling into college, the first semester of college

But until you are done with college do not give me advice about how to live in college. You make your own experience, become Greek, or drink every weekend, study for 8 hours a day to get over a 4.0, whatever. But do not give me advice about who I should be or how I should act, unless your pathway through this part of life is finished.

My neighbor

flairofazure — 2006-01-28T06:01:25-05:00

She eats my food and leaves a mess. She reads my computer screen when she has the chance. She watches our movies. She puts her dirty slippers on my clean sheets. She touches my pillows.

Last month she got me sick, like really sick. So sick I went through a box and a half of kleenex.

She's nice and all

But I;d prefer to have a little privacy

My roommate went out. I could be alone. On the phone having a real conversation. Sleeping. Or just.. relaxing

dammit, I'm starting to get a tension headache...

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-01-28T08:01:24-05:00

I'm going to start hiding my food

phone calls

flairofazure — 2006-01-30T10:01:48-05:00

I hate talking to you on the phone because I love talking to you. I love your voice. I love how you say "I love you" it makes flutterbys be born and flit around.

Then, we hang up. Then I miss you even more than I did before we talked...

oh well

I love you

Web cam

flairofazure — 2006-01-31T05:01:48-05:00

both of us have web cams, and on Tuesdays between 4-8:30 my roommate is at work. This give him and I time, if for nothing else, just to see eachother. And it works. It's so amazing how the contours of his face or his blush when I compliment him brings back all of those feelings. Hearing his voice does it too, but seeing him is a different level. We have everything a "normal" relationship has, except for being able to touch eachother on a regular basis.

But it also has it's downside. I do so much better when I go long periods of not talking to him, because being in contact makes me want this to be normal one and for all. It makes me want to go back to my Winter break and his holiday leave. It makes me miss him even more.

I'm not telling anyone

flairofazure — 2006-02-03T06:02:55-05:00

I'm okay for now

But it's going to take some time to forgive and forget

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-02-04T10:02:03-05:00

This has quite possibly been one of the worst weeks of my life

I found out Peter hid something from me
I'm very sick
My grandpa had a stroke Thursday, his left side is semi-paralyzed, but he's cognissant of who he is and where he is

my birthday is in 9 days. blah

lets add to the list

flairofazure — 2006-02-06T05:02:57-05:00

- a good family friend died, and I'm missing his funeral
- one of my good high school friends thinks that all of his high school friends hate him because he's becoming greek and drinking a lot

February

flairofazure — 2006-02-12T09:02:43-05:00

This month kind of sucks. It's the shortest month, only 28 days, 29 once every four years. The 13th is my birthday, the 14th is Valentine's day. But, I'm just blah now. I don't want to go to my classes, I don't want to do my work. I was to sit and watch TV or play Rollercoaster Tycoon. None of my classes make me think, only one of them is very interesting, which is my anthropology class. My French class is interesting, but it's a "big" class almost 20 people. My really big class, intro to theater has 210 people. My anthropology class is kind of the only one that makes me add 2 and 2, and sometimes I'll get 4, other days I'll get 14, but atleast it makes me connect two ideas.

My grandfather is doing better, not many of my friends know simply because I haven't told them. I'm just done trying to build a friendship when no one else does. I miss Peter very badly, and he doesn't really understand what it's like to be a bored student. He never really did the education thing, so it's hard to explain. Not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't know. He doesn't realize that when I found out he lied to me, I was sicker than I've been in a while, my grandfather had been admitted to the hospital, and school just wasn't interesting to me.

I think I need to have a real conversation with him, without other people listening to me. But it's always easier for me to say what I'm feeling when I can write it. It can't get interpreted into something else, I'm clear and conscice, even if I can't spell every word that I want to use.

My roommate is cool and all, but I just want a little privacy, I mean our schedules are almost exact opposites, but it's still hard. Maybe next year will be better. I wish I could be motivated to think at this school, professors just want the information rejurgetated. Once again, it's not spelt correctly.

Oh well, time for more US Politics homework, then Grey's Anatomy. Then sleep for my 8am class.

Birthday

flairofazure — 2006-02-13T08:02:22-05:00

Why can't I have a normal birthday? Why do I feel depressed and like I just want to hide from the world, excpet from him. I want him to be off of work, here, just for the night. For this one day. So that I can pretend this birthday was normal. Like I had a birthday cake at home, and my family came to see me. Like my grandfather wasn't in the hospital. Like I was happy.

US Politics Poem

flairofazure — 2006-02-15T01:02:17-05:00

Explosions of bright yellow and red
like lighting a fire
in a blowing wind.
Every kiss and touch
starts another spark
to the all-consuming,
ever-burning
fire for you.

blah to the world

flairofazure — 2006-02-18T08:02:23-05:00

My horoscope said that it was a good day to cuddle with someone I love. Unfortunately, there is no one here I love. It's like living in a bubble. My highschool friends, the ones I spent a lot of time with, I just no longer care about. I tried, one of them is now "greek" and meets up with us high school people smashed. I don't appreciate it, and I told him if he ever did that to me at something I planned, I'd drive him home and leave him there, without caring if he had a key or if he was naked on a -20 degree night. I find very little so disrespectful as that. He then had the nerve to say "alcohol isn't evil. You drink" Yes, I drink. I don't drink while I'm at school, and I don't drink to get drunk with some people that won't care about me in howmany years it's gonna take to get out of school.

Another one of my friends, she makes me feel like I'm always bothering her. The only time I ever get a message from her, is when my away message or something says that I've had a bad day and to leave me alone.

Very few of my friends know about my grandfather. Only one knows that he's back in the hospital, that he's in the ICU wing, that he may stay like this for the rest of his life. None of them realize how any of this makes me feel. I want to go home and fix things. I want to make my dad feel better, andI want to visit Peter without hurting my dad. I really want to go to Germany and do the European Union program for a semester.

I miss him

poem, lost

flairofazure — 2006-02-18T08:02:21-05:00

I cannot find the words
to express how I feel
rage and sorry
bliss and pity.
I miss being young
but want to grow old.
I want independance,
but someone else to make choices.
I don't want to be mean
but I'm screaming in my head
so many words
but none describe me.
I'm in love
but hate most of the world
I miss you,
but what's going to happen
when I have you.
I don't know who I am
so how can you love me.
How can you love this body,
this mind,
this soul,
if none of them
have a home.

Mindsay doctors?

flairofazure — 2006-02-21T06:02:03-05:00

I had a headache yesterday, and woke up with a migrain this morning. So I took migrain drugs, but I've continued to be nauseated all day. My migrain is coming back, and I have that feeling in my throat that you get after you vomit. I've had cramps, but it's the middle of my cycle (I'm on the Pill). I told my mom and she said I'm just a hypocondiach, but I just don't feel right.

On another note, I skinned my knuckle today, and it bled a whole lot, usually I'm not a bleeder, but I've got a bandaid on it now, so we're clotted and painfree. Peter couldn't get home to talk to me today, and goes underway Thursday for a week and half. I hope this inspection stuff gets over with soon, I miss him. I want food, but I'm not hungry. And this week I've been weirdly emotional.

What's wrong with me?

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-02-21T09:02:13-05:00

I know what I have about college. I used to read. All the time. When I was bored, or upset, or tired, or awake, or anything I used to read. I read anything I could get my hands on that didn't involve something my dad had to read in High School. I read historical fiction, mystery, fantasy, science fiction, adventures, series, trilogies, independent authors, anything and everything on that bookshelf was open to read. Now that I'm in college, whenever I want to read one of the 4 books I brought for pleasure reading, "Quicksilver" by Neal Stephenson", "Harry Potter et l'ecole des sorciers" by J.K. Rowling (yeah, it's in French, sue me I like to read, even if I have to look up a word every few sentences), "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" by C.S. Lewis, and "A Game of Thrones" by George R. Martin., I find myself needing to read for a class. I haven't opened my own book since winter break.

But I think I'm going to start, instead of TV, I'll relax the way I used to, by reading. Even if it is in French. I hate being a lethargic college student. I think I might look into Teach for America.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-02-21T10:02:19-05:00

I have an 8am class. My roommate has an 11am class. She goes to bed at 1 or 2, I go to bed before 11. She types and watches TV when I'ms leeping... I shouldn't wonder why I don't sleep well

maybe I'm not a girl

flairofazure — 2006-02-23T09:02:29-05:00

But I don't understand why you would blow dry and straighten your hair just to put it up in a pony tail. Or why shower in the morning when you don't like going outside with wet hair. Shower at night, and your hair will dry by the morning. And if you don't like sleeping with wet hair, you can braid it, so it dries, but doesn't stick to everything.

I shower in the mornings, and I towel dry it, and then do whatever I want to do with it. I've also showered in the evening to "style" my hair before going out, but I think that's different than just going to classes. I also don't undertsnad why putting on make up should be such a hassel, but then again I only wear make up on special occassions. Maybe it's me and maybe I'm just wired wrong or something.

French assignment

flairofazure — 2006-02-24T06:02:37-05:00

Here's an assignment for my French class. I have horrible grammer, but it should make sense to those of you that know French

Les deux papillons voltigeaient autour du jardin de la reine. Un papillon avec les couleurs foncé, et qui aimait les fleurs petites a regardé un oiseau dans un arbre. L’oiseau a volé par terre et a mangé le papillon avec les couleurs foncé. Il a arête à l’autre papillon et il regardait le papillon et il pensait « cette papillon est belle vraiment. C’a les rayures rouge, jaune, orange et noir, et c’a les gouttes rouge brillant. Il y a un corps potelé, ce va bon pour le manger. »

Mais, le papillon a vu l’oiseau et il pensait les chose lui dire. Le papillon voltigeait à près de l’oiseau et il a commencé « je m’appelle Farfalla et je suis Italienne. Ce n’est pas une bonne idée me manger. Mes couleurs brillant sont une mise en garde parce que je suis très toxique aux oiseaux. D’ailleurs mon ami n’était pas comme moi. Il était bleu, gris, et noir, ils sont les couleurs de un papillon sans danger. C’est-à-dire il était un bon repas pour vous. »

Puis, à tout a coup, l’oiseau a mangé Farfalla. Elle a eu un goût délicieux mais après un peu des minutes il y avait un goût mauvais. Ensuit l’oiseau avait un mal de ventre et il pensait des choses que Farfalla a dit. L’oiseau pauvre avait un malade mauvais pour trois semaines. Pendant le jour trois il a pensé « Farfalla le papillon était correct, elle était toxique pour moi. J’aurais dû l’écouter et je n’aurais dû pas donner mon attention à sa beauté. »

This generation

flairofazure — 2006-02-25T05:02:15-05:00

Did you know people between the ages 18 to 24 are least likely to vote. We're also least likely to be registered to vote. Or identify with a specific party. I've also found we're some of the most stupid people.

We think being responsibility-free is a good thing. That using short, small words makes the world easier and quicker. Let me give some of you a lesson:

you're, your is not ur, nor are they the same thing
Know and No are two DIFFERENT words. They are not Interchangeable
You is not "u". It just isn't. U is a letter, you are a person.
And making words shorter like 'sode or "episode" is stupid. It doesn't make you look smart or funny or cool or whatever else you think. It makes you look stupid, uneducation, and far from eloquent.

Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, because in an occasional quick message I'll use an abbreviation. But it's not how I talk online regularly. If I said "I don't no why the answer is no" it would make me look stupid. And how in hell do you go from writing like that to writing serious papers with guidelines and grades that matter?

The other thing, how many people watch the news or even care? I would rather keep track of local and international news, but my politics class requires that I read a US politics based newspaper (aka The NY Times). I know things that people complain that they can't know because they don't get cable. People claim that there is too much news to keep up with it in their busy lives. Well guess what, South Dakota is banning abortion, Bush is taking away your constitutional rights, and the Supreme Court has gotten rid of the only woman right's activist and has become very much conservative.

And do you want to know why we don't vote? Because our education system has failed us. columbus did not discover america. The civil war was not fought because of slavery. And all of Canadians do not speak French, and the ones that do don't speak real French anyway. Then again, we don't speak real English.

But that's my rant. I think I covered all of the bases that have been bothering me as of late, I think I'll do some more of my 100 assignments of homework.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-02-26T07:02:01-05:00

When she types it sounds like she's mad at the keyboard and attacking it with all of her fury

One Tree Hill

flairofazure — 2006-03-01T08:03:23-05:00

Does anyone watch this show? My roommate's friend comes in here every wednesday to watch it in here. This week it's about a school shooting. They're making comments about how the shooter is a retard and making fun of them.

But you know what, the kid has a point. High school was hell for me. I hated being there, and I hated going back every day. I hated having to be around the kids that were cool or whatever. The ones that thought getting high and drunk was cool. The ones that teased me and made me feel even worse on a bad day. The ones that made me want to avoid the cafeteria and the prom and ball.

I don't think he's a loser or a freak. I think he has a point. A point a lot of kids don't have the guts to make. He's just going about it the wrong way.

Spring Break

flairofazure — 2006-03-08T08:03:33-05:00

I've been home since this past Friday afternoon/evening. Since then I've been involved in WWIII with my mother about my sister. I've work or been out of the house every day. I've been to the hospital to visit my grandfather. I've dealt with my family ignoring me, being rude to me, and yelling at me. I've dealt with a good friend being upset with me because I didn't invite him to the movie, when I told who I did invite that I wanted to keep it small.

My boyfriend has been working over time, been kept up by his cat because he was underway for 2 weeks, and has been wasting time playing WoW. He's tired and doesn't have anything to talk about, but I still wish I could hear his voice, sometimes it's the only sane one I hear.

I went into my old high school today to say hi to some of my former teachers. I talked to some of the juniors about how IB has helped me while I'm in college. It was weird to be back.

It's weird to be here. And I miss my boyfriend.

Going abroad

flairofazure — 2006-03-10T12:03:06-05:00

Ok, so I have always wanted to go to Europe. My school offers programs, and affiliate programs. Well, I decided on London, except my school has a shitty program so I looked into an affiliated program. Well, since my school is already in London it can cost me atleast $375 extra dollars, plus multiple hours of filling out forms to go. So I then decided on going to Freiburg, Germany for the European Union. I jumped through all of the hoops, handed in a form for my transcript, and the reference form to the study abroad office, paid my $50 application fee, sent in my application. So, I figured I would hear from them this week, as they say it takes at least 3 weeks to process, etc etc etc. Well, today is the first day of week 3. I got a phone call wednesday saying that my schoo has yet to fill out my reference form. I can't just call them up and ask them to send out a new one, because I need to sign and date the stupid form 3 times.

So, Monday I'm going to have to go back across campus, with another signed form and hand it to them and ask them nicely to send it out asap.

Well, I cam home and got my passport application. I've been busy most of the week, so today was my first semi-free day to go to the post office. Which, oh, you need an appointment for. So, I'm like, okay, do you have appointments on the weekends, and the biggest town in my city doesn't have appointments on Saturday because "we don't have enough staff". So, I go online to see if I can call another post office which does do passports on the weekends, and did you know you can't call post offices?

Oh, I looked in the yellow pages under "post office" it then directed me to "government section". "Government section" directed me to the blue pages. "Federal Government" to "post offices" to "www.usps.com" to 1-800-ASK-USPS, which didn't have any of the options I needed. So, I looked online, and there was once again the fabulous number of 1-800-ASK-USPS.

So, I looked up to see if my college's town had a passport service, and yes, by God it does, Monday through Friday 10-4. Well, I then looked up the bus schedule, busses don't go down that route until 4:15.

I HATE BUREAUCRACY

today even started good, with a text message of "I love you" and a kitten waking me up...

Mark this on your calendar

flairofazure — 2006-03-11T06:03:20-05:00

March 11 seems to be"Make FlairofAzure feel fat and ugly day"

my mom bought me this absolutely ugly, fat, and frumpy bathing suit that is going back. And the only shirt I have to wear to the st. Patty's dinner is a fat and ugly and frumpy shirt.

I just want to be pretty and have something go right

the light

flairofazure — 2006-03-13T10:03:20-05:00

My roommate annoys me. I have an 8am class, I get up at 7. Now, in high school I got up at 5:30, so 7 doesn't sound all that bad, but it is when I don't sleep well past 5am, and my roommate doesn't turn off the tv until 1am.

So she's reading for her Shakespeare class tomorrow, which I understand, I did reading for tomorrow, too. Except I got up early this morning, didn't sleep well last night, and didn't get my nap today. So, she's still reading, with the room light on, because she can't read at her desk. It's 10:15, and I'd like to go to bed, but can't because she's typing to her friends on IM while reading.... grr

But I'm back at school and have only 6 Mondays until Summer, left :)

blah

flairofazure — 2006-03-15T10:03:25-05:00

I don't want to study anymore, but I need to raise my gpa... blah

my conversation

flairofazure — 2006-03-16T06:03:17-05:00

me: wanna hear a french saying?
him: ok
me: « L’absence diminue les médiocres passions et augmente les grandes, comme le vent éteint les bougies et allume le feu »

- Francois da La Rochefoucauld

him: I figured you were just going to write the nelgish
me: lol
me: It means: Absence diminishes the mediocre passions and augments the large, like the wind blows out the candle, but ignites the fire
him ok
me: right
me: I don't know why I bother trying to be romantic :P
him: I disagree with it.
me: why do you disagree with it
him: All the absense does it make it harder and doesn't improve our relationship at all. We only improve it when we see each other
me: we improve it when we talk and such things
me: granted our relationship become pretty stagnant when we're apart, but it doesn't make anything go away
him: But it doesn't fuel anything either
me: when I call you, no matter how many times, I still get butterflies in my tummy
me: it does when we come back together
him: Its not fueld by our absense though its fuel by our desire
me: without absence do you think we'd have come this far?
him: Further
me: we've both done a lot of growing up without eachother, so that when it all does become normal, we don't have to do any more personal growing crap, we can just grow together
him: Maybe true but I don't know for sure
me: besides, I don't ever think we'll be 100% normal, neither of us really is normal
him: No I agree

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-03-21T09:03:07-05:00

my roommate's grandpa died yesterday...she's going home for the rest of the week and weekend... this is very strange right now in this room

my plan

flairofazure — 2006-03-21T04:03:10-05:00

Ok, so roommate was supposed to leave today, she called in to work, they got a sub, etc etc etc. This is supposed to be one of my few "private" times, I'm out of the room relatively a lot compared to her. I work twice a week, and I volunteer for the office of admissions. So, this is one of my few times where if I want to walk around naked or whatever I can.

Well, her mom isn't picking her up today, so not only do I not have any privacy, something that I had planned for my privacy isn't going to happen.

See, because my boyfriend and I don't live close right now, we try to webcam as much as possible. Although it's not nearly as good as being in each other's presence, it's as close as we can get. We haven't done it in a while due to many factor, so I was going to send him a suprise. It's no longer going to happen.

So although I feel bad and my heart goes out to my roommate, the fact that she's invaded on my limited time for privacy kinda ticks me off....

very strange

flairofazure — 2006-03-22T03:03:14-05:00

today was a very strange day for me. I didn't go to bed until late last night, midnightish... I woke up at 6, and tried to go back to sleep. I finally go out of bed at 6:45, went to the library to print out something then went to class. As I went down the stairs, I got over whelmed by a very strange feeling. I guess it was a form of homesickness. I ust felt very very lonely. Like the whole world, the birds, the sun, then snow flakes, all belonged somewhere. They each have their place and specific goal. Even if the poor snow flakes just land to melt.

I don't know, maybe it was a sign for me to go back to bed. Writing was an absolute waste, as are most of those classes. I then had a pop quiz in French, that I failed, not because I didn't read, but because I couldn't understand it. I didn't even bother going to the gymbecause I needed to finish reading for my US Politics class. After class I went up to speak with my advisor during his office hours, he wasn't there.

I don't know... it's been a very strange day, and it isn't over yet. Maybe I'll get a phone call to make me smile, because atleast then I can close my eyes, remember being in his arms, and just for a second, belong somewhere in this vast, wide, strange world.

Him

flairofazure — 2006-03-24T10:03:55-05:00

The Navy gave him a day off today, due to the fact that they're running the ship ragged and going underway tomorrow for about a week, then underway again for a month and a half. Which means I probably won't talk to him on his birthday. The days when he's off of work feels like he's here with me, except we're not just down the street from one another, we're both just screen names.

Last night we had fun with the web cams, except for the fact that his ex girlfriend got online and talked to him for a very long time ruining the mood. But, everytime we do the webcam thing, it feels like he left again. Like it makes all of the emotions more raw, and less dulled which happens with time. It feels like I just gave him a hug and sent him driving off to the airport. It feels like day 1 of separation.

But, he has the day off, so he's off to the comic shop for the rest of the morning and afternoon. I might talk to him again tonight, and then I won't hear his voice for some time. This weekend I'll be a wreck, as is normal whenever my emotions are heightened, it seems to be the week of my period. I wish that this could all be normal, and that this day off could be partly mine. That this weekend I'm spending alone could be spent with him. Instead I'm going to try and get ahead in my work.

I was thinking about going home next weekend for a hockey game, except I couldn't leave until Saturday morning, and the hockey game is on Friday night.

It's like the sun is mocking me. The one day I should be able to enjoy its warmth and shineyness, I'm sitting here on the verge of tears because I miss everything.

I don't want to be in college anymore.

I've now been tagged twice

flairofazure — 2006-03-24T11:03:22-05:00

So here are 5 things that aren't common knowledge

1) one of my passions is to make people smile. Even on days where all I want to do is sit and cry, I try to make atleast one person smile.

2) I'm scared of my own success

3) I'm afriad of heights, but absolutely love roller coasters. Just don't ask me to climb a ladder.

4) I work in a pet store, but don't like snakes, most lizards, millipedes, or spiders.

5) I love to help, volunteer, raise money for charities, but I personally hate pity or charity given to me, or even having favors done for me.

However, I don't know if I have 5 people that have friended me, so if you read this before Tuesday the 28th of March, you're tagged.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-03-24T06:03:00-05:00

I'M GOING TO GERMANY

Waiting

flairofazure — 2006-03-24T11:03:14-05:00

Do you know how much time is wasted on waiting?

A lot. I've wasted almost all of today waiting for something I knew probably wasn't going to happen anyway. Why is that, do you ask? Because it's one of the few things I wanted to happen today.

Anyway, look up quotes on waiting, and they generall advise you against waiting. Read "Waiting For Godot" by Samuel Beckett... it's existential, but proves a point about waiting.. it gets you nowhere

Renaissance

flairofazure — 2006-03-27T02:03:45-05:00

Blue skies, clouds to the west, a beautiful sun to the east. That was how I woke up this morning. It was glorious, like Spring has sprung. I walked down the stairs from my building to the library level, then another flight of stairs to the academic level... and there were birds singing. Maybe because I'm from the country, but I notice small things, like when a bird is scampering around in a flower bed, or singing from a bush. It was so nice. The air was crisp and clean, like it showed a hint of the bitterness of the winter, but breathing a freshly-brushed breath of air into the new season.

I'm getting my period, so today was a fat day. After the gym and my shower, I wanted to feel pretty. It's amazing how many guys look at you when your shoes click. When I wear sneakers, it's like no one sees me, wearing loud, clicking shoes is apparently a mating call.

Since my last class I've changed into comfy string-tie pants, and am about to do Wednesday's homework. Ah, it's such a pretty day, all around.

bad news

flairofazure — 2006-03-27T05:03:10-05:00

my sexual adventures using the webcam on Tuesday afternoons, when my roommate works are now officiall over. She quit her job, so now... probably no more fun until after I'm out of school.

I'm out of the room so much, with classes and working and volunteering, I may just get used to going to the library for some privacy or something. Granted nothing sexual can happen in the library, but I could use my webcam there to atleast see him.

haha

flairofazure — 2006-03-28T04:03:16-05:00

roommate didn't quit work... wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Go Firgue

flairofazure — 2006-03-29T11:03:33-05:00

It's a beautiful day outside... high 50s Sunny, no clouds, just a bit of haze in the distance, and a significant difference between sunlight and shadow. Shadows are not often seen in the winter.

I have to study for a test tomorrow (to bring my grade up hopefully) and write a paper (and get another B- on it, which will continue to annoy me). I also have a night class, and people invading my room tonight after my night class.

Maybe I'll go to the library to study/work on the paper

I need your help

flairofazure — 2006-03-30T12:03:07-05:00

I build and maintain this website: www.bristolhillsmusiccamp.com for the music camp I go to every summer. I just received a rather rude e-mail complaining about the registration forms, which I spent some amount of time dealing with. Due to the nature of the form, and my knowledge of the computer literacy of some individuals, I did not make it a PDF (that will be changed shortly). I gave simple instructions on how to fill out the form, and tried to be as clear as possible about filling out the form, etc.

Please go to the link, click on "Registration" and look at my form and answer the following questions:

1) is the form readable to you
2) if the form is not readable, what browser/internet are you using
3) can you find the address to which the registration form and money are supposed to be sent in under 5 minutes
4) if you cannot find the proper address, where would you like the address located for easier access

please and thank you

I Remember

flairofazure — 2006-04-03T07:04:30-05:00

I remember everything
it all came rushing back today
I read another blog
and it took me back

I remember the conversation
that you told me about Ana
I sat there.
And I couldn't breathe

I feel stupid now,
I should have known,
all the hints your mom dropped,
how you stopped calling.

I remember the bitter conversations,
through the delayed email
and the shitty MOE
and thinking you stopped talking
to me.

I remember the phone call
I think it was December
when you just wanted to talk
and all I wanted was to hear your voice

I remember another phone call
in the summer
you apologized, you were drunk,
but I didn't know what had happened

I remember the bitter words,
every tear shed in your name,
and I remember the small hope
that you might be wrong about it all.

I remember the egg shells
we walked on in June,
and the tears shed
in the cemetary.

And then I remember
killing bugs,
lots of glorious bugs,
and we were okay,
atleast for a bit.

I remember phone calls from her,
calling me names,
telling me things,
things I couldn't deal with.

I remember an awful week,
one which you promised me silence.
The one week I needed you,
and you broke that silence.

I remember Thanksgiving,
and the time before Christmas.
I remember a January conversation,
and accusing you of it all again.

I remember how it all felt,
how the tears burned falling down,
the bitterness of life raging inside,
and how it all came down to hope.

I still haven't lost it,
and I don't think
I ever will.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-04-04T06:04:38-05:00

hmmm

I love him

He makes me smile, and stop thinking. He's right. I don't smile enough.

End of the Semester

flairofazure — 2006-04-05T02:04:06-05:00

Apparently, starting Friday, it's going to be a very busy end of the semester... I have the very first exam bracket, and the very last, yay for me...

04/07 - Financial Aid meeting at 1pm for aid for studying abroad
04/12 - French Presentation of Eugene Ionesco
04/17 - Study Abroad meetings 6-8pm
04/19 - last French paper due
04/22 - Band concert
04/25 - World Pre-History final paper due
04/28 - Writing Portfolio due (rewrite 2 papers, with papers explaining why I made the changes I did
05/01 - French Final exam (not cumulative) 7am
05/03 - Boyfriend's Birthday (he'll be underway, so it doesn't mean much)
05/04 - Final writig class 10:30-1 (probably won't attend)
05/05 - 1:30-4pm Theater Final Exam
4:30-7pm World Pre-History Final Exam

On top of regualr homework, Easter weekend, and more appointments for going abroad... it's almost summer though

annoyances

flairofazure — 2006-04-05T10:04:56-05:00

I posted something in my other blog, which all of my friends, and my boyfriend can read. I knew I should have made it so that my high school friends can't read it. Whenever I post even mildly-depressed or just down posts they get online and say "we love you, smile" and you know what? I don't want to fucking smile. Your fucking love doesn't solve anything, it didn't solve anything in high school, and doesn't solve anything now. I write what I want to write, I don't need "love" or anything, I want opinions or something that will help. I've repeatedly told people (in my other journals) that I don't need responses, and I don't. I love getting feedback, but some days I just want to write and figure out what's going on in my head.

I know one of my highschool friends has already posted a reply, but I can't read it. I'm annoyed enough already, I don't know if I will ever read it, if it's the only reply.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-04-07T09:04:39-05:00

This isn't where I belong

Wedding

flairofazure — 2006-04-08T01:04:09-05:00

One of the coolest teachers in my high school, and one of my mom's good friends, has three kids. Her oldest son is getting married in May. Now she knows about how my boyfriend and I are dating, and we're closer then ever. So, they sent out invitations to her son's wedding. My mom and her go out to breakfast every Saturday, a bunch of my mom's friends go, it's like a ritual. That's not the weird part of the story. My boyfriend has also recieved an oral invitation if he takes leave in May, at the same time, to go to not only the wedding but the reception with me.

He and I didn't really share our relationship publicly for quite some time, mainly due to the age difference, he's 5 years older than I am. So, it came across as very bizarre that we, as a couple, got invited to a wedding, by people who aren't physically related to either of us...

Today

flairofazure — 2006-04-10T06:04:09-05:00

Today is the type of day
I want to step outside with you
with your fingers inbetween mine
and just look at you.

Today, Nature reached it's goal
it's beautiful, with a few clouds,
a lot of sunlight,
a clear blue sky
and the glorious sun.

Today Nature was at peace
there were no clouds chasing eachother
no thunder like shouting
or lightning thrown by an angry god
it was just beautiful

These are the days
I wish you were around for
because, like Nature,
I have atleast one goal attained.

You, you are my peace,
my tranquility,
my blue skys, with a slight breeze,
the sunshine on the otherside
of my shadows.

I don't wonder why
people love good weather,
it's just like being in love,
and at peace,
even if just for a few hours.

Paper due tomorrow

flairofazure — 2006-04-13T05:04:10-05:00

It's one of the few papers I actually like what I have written (this year), it's due tomorrow. Sitting in front of me so I can edit it eventually. It's about the ineffectiveness of college campuses to prevent suicides.

and there are some amazing facts.

-Only a quarter of the population between the ages of 18 and 24 are in college or a university.
-People that age who are not in college are more likely to have suicidal tendancies.
-Women are more likely to attempt suicide more times than men, but men are more likely to actually die due to it.
-The top three killer of people in that age group are: (1) Accidental injury ,(car accident, jumping off a diving board and hitting one's skull on rocks, etc) (2) alcohol related incidents, and (3) suicide.
-People who are both in therapy and on medication are more likely to be suicidal than those who are recieving only one treatment

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-04-14T09:04:18-05:00

I experienced something today that made me think we were back a few decades.

When I come home, I take a greyhound bus, it's 2 hours $22.75 one-way. There was a group of city kids, both black and white, mainly black. There were exactly the amount of seats we needed to board everyone who needed to get on. I was one of the last ones on the bus, and a rather old woman had her purse clutched in her hand, on the seat next to her. I kindly smiled and asked if I could sit next to her, and she gratefull smiled at me and moved her hand and purse.

She wasn't American, atleast, she wasn't born here, her accent sounded Polish or somewhere from Eastern Europe.

The kid sitting diagonally behind me, started talking to me. Asked me what I was reading, and what it was about. What I was doing in school, etc etc. I told him the book was boring and he asked me, no joke, why I read it. I blamed it on my scholarships, and grades, being that I can't be in school without high enough grades. But really, I've never questioned doing school work. It has always been a personal responsibility.

The simple fear of someone other than one's culture. The difference in worlds. It was honestly amazing, maybe because I watch more than be in the middle.

the infamous roommate

flairofazure — 2006-04-17T01:04:44-05:00

and her boyfriend

Ok. My boyfriend is underway, I have not heard his voice since Thursday, I recieved a text message Friday saying that they were going out to sea, and a 2 line email this morning wishing me a happy easter and an I love you. Don't get me wrong, I don't expect anything different. I've been doing this too long to. They have one computer with satalite internet, which only occassionally works, for his shop. He's a lowly petty officer and an ET3. I get that he can't email, call, whatever. I haven't physically touched him since Christmas. I haven't seen him since two weeks ago, via a webcam. I miss him, a lot. I love him even more. But, like I said, it just is how it is for now.

My roommate has started to annoy me with her "I miss and love you" in her away messages. She puts sad songs in there and mushy things like "dreaming of sleeping with you and seeing your face." She saw him 3 weeks ago (before this past weekend). She spent most of this weekend with him. She is now lying in her bed with him, moping because he has to leave soon. He's coming back up Friday night and staying until Sunday afternoon. She complains to me about how he never calls, and when he does he's a jackass.

I'm just tired of it. And yes, I am a nit jealous, but she has no right to tell me that she "misses" him. If she had any clue what a long-distance relationship really was, I might cut her some slack. They stay up until 5am with eachother online. 5am. They start talking at 10 when he gets out of work. that's SEVEN hours of communication. I'm lucky if I get that in a week. Sometimes a month.

Maybe I'm wrong and just bitter... but I'm just sick of the "long distance" relationship they have and how it's just so dramatic for them.

She threatened to break up with him if he didn't send her cards on holidays, by the way...

typing

flairofazure — 2006-04-20T05:04:24-05:00

I have my iPod turned up half way, and I can still hear her typing...

is that normal for a laptop's keyboard? I mean I can barely hear my keys taping as I type this...

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-04-21T02:04:39-05:00

The weekend before the last week of classes is stressful. Many many many things are due, and studying and review sessions begin. I have multiple things due next week, as previously stated, and a concert tomorrow where I'll "lose" time because I'm spending a good amount of tomorrow with my family.

Roommate and her boyfriend, whore, and a male friend, and possibly another guy, have decided it's a good week for the boys to come down and spend the weekend. Now, he's been here to visit for the weekend a few times. Most of the time they don't leave the room. At all.

This poses a problem for me, because I need to get things done. The simple answer would be to go to the library. However, my laptop's battery only lasts two hours, I need more than two hours to get all of my stuff done. I don't see how this weekend is going to end up being a good one.

Incredibly pissed

flairofazure — 2006-04-22T02:04:39-05:00

I have a concert tomorrow for band, I have to report to the concert at 10:15am. Yes, a mere 8 hours from now. So, you think to yourself, shouldn't I be asleep, peacefully resting until I wake up and get ready for the concert?

Yes, I SHOULD be asleep. However, I'm not. I went to be right before midnight. Roommate and boyfriend (aka asshole) were watching a movie. I had to ask to have the volume turned down. I probably fell asleep around 12:15. I was then woken up, to a different movie some time later, decided to dismiss it as a person problem and go back to sleep without looking at the clock. Well, I was then woken up a second time. This time to windows being opened, fans being turned on, and Fabreeze being sprayed all over my room. Two giggling teenagers, acting like 12 year olds, were talking and giggling while watching a rather loud movie. I give it some time to let myself relax and fall back asleep. To no avail.

I get up at 1:50, without a word, and walk to the bathroom (where someone is puking, by the way) and come back. When I come back, they're silent. So I sit at my computer to let me cool down a bit. Well, two of my friends are online, so I start talking to them. time passes A cell phone rings, not vibrates, rings, with an extremely annoying song. It's a text message, how sweet. How fucking sweet I want to kill both of them, or atleast make them realize that I actually have to be up tomorrow. Way before then. Well, the tv turned off at 2:16, and they're quiet.

I'll probably go to bed soon, but I'm still pissed as hell.

This morning... I don't think I'll bother trying to be quiet.

sigh, the phone, and roommate

flairofazure — 2006-04-24T03:04:21-05:00

2 phone calls on the 4 hour drive home. A phone call at 10pm when he got home (which I understand, I require a phone call when a destination has been reached). And now another phone call, as soon as she got back from class. She's currently telling him that his room is messy, and when she gets back for the summer, wants him to have a clean room, with his books organized, and dusted, and the dresser organized as well. Also she wants her car cleaned out (he drove her car up here to visit her) completely (once again I understand this). However, she shouldn't need to ask to have the car cleaned out. Nor should she have any say in what his room looks like, unless it's absolutely disgusting, in which case he probably needs help, not orders, from her.

Yes, I'm slightly messy. Yes, my boyfriend is sligtly messy. However, we do not require eachother to have clean rooms/apartments/houses.

I once again just don't understand...

another update

flairofazure — 2006-04-24T07:04:36-05:00

I'm now being ignored by roommate and whore... oh these next two weeks are going to be a blast

Oh the Irony

flairofazure — 2006-04-25T08:04:47-05:00

This past weekend, while roommates boyfriend was here, I:

-Wrote a 1page French paper
-Wrote a 2 page Anthropology film assigment
-Wrote a 5 page Anthropology Paper-
-Read more chapters than required for my Politics class

Essentially, I got everything done due Monday and Tuesday, which is allowing me to get ahead in the rest of the week. Roommate has 2,500 word (essentially 9 pages), paper due tomorrow... that she started to work on... around noon.

I'm willing to bet she doesn't finish until after I go to bed.. ah, I love being ahead of the game (if it is only a day)

hmm

flairofazure — 2006-04-27T10:04:13-05:00

I think I'm in one of my weird funk depression things. I'm no longer motivated. At all. I just don't have any reason to be here. I'm not learning, people here don't want to learn, they want the piece of paper that says "Degree From A Rich School". My roommate has been driving me up a wall (in case you didn't get that). And I just... want to be with him. My wrists, hips, and knees hurt, probably due to the weather and all the abuse they went through during high school (dance, softball, gardening).

I want to go for a walk, and have a real convastion. About anything real. Politics, people, the future, the weather. Anything real, that doesn't have to do with judgements of people, or stupid things like "I don't believe in soul mates" or "why don't you like my boyfriend" or disrespect, or gossip, or generall stupid and shallow things. A real conversation, a debate even. Something with substance that can teach me something and let me learn something.

Mindsay issue

flairofazure — 2006-04-28T02:04:43-05:00

Am I doing somethin wrong...

I want to upload a new picture, except I keep loading that page with an error on it, and it won't load the pic...

suggestions?

I've deleated my cookies, cache... etc

no luck

help?

Last week of school

flairofazure — 2006-04-29T08:04:34-05:00

Exams: M 8-10, F 1:30-4, 4:30-7

Roommate was supposed to be leaving Friday, giving me peace all week to get my one paper done (due Thursday) and to study plenty.

She is now packing up her parent's truck Thursday night, and they won't be here until 10 at night. However, she won't tell her mom that I have two exams Friday. They're spending the night at a hotel around here. Personally, I wouldn't trust all of my belongings in a car over night. They're much safer in this room.

Yes, I'm slightly annoyed

short study break

flairofazure — 2006-04-30T04:04:47-05:00

I would like to make a few comments on this past week's current events, a thought from my family, and an issue on a top blog.

First, I am pro-recycling. I am pro-composting. I am pro-garbage reducing. I do not believe in global warming, in and of itself. I believe there are cycles constantly around us, and the climate just happens to be one of them. Yes, there is proof of climate cycles, unlike whatever proof someone wants to show me that it is specifically our fault the polar ice caps are melting. However, I believe we need to cut down on using non-renewable energies and the amount og industrial pollution. The fact that the EPA refuses to keep with the high standards that were originally put in place. Due to the Bush administrations efforts to keep industrial backing in the political arena, 10 states are sueing the EPA for changing standards. However Bush claims that our standards and pollution will be better by 2012. No offense, Georgie, I don't give a fuck about 2012, I want pollution that can be controlled now to the controlled now. Here is the article: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/28/us/28emissions.html?n=Top%2fReference%2fTimes%20Topics%2fOrganizations%2fE%2fEnvironmental%20Protection%20Agency%20

I actually agree with Pres. Bush on something. The National Anthem should be in English. When my mother came here, she had to pass the citizen's exam, and although she's from English, they made her take the langauge part of it. The Irish, Italians, Poles, and every other non-WASP had to go through the samething. Learn the language, learn the customs, get legal, find a job. Our street signs are in English, our road rules are in English, our test should be in English. Our emergency workers speak English. A police officer should not have to find a translator in order to give a ticket/citation/etc. However, this is not slamming illegal immigrants, I get it this is the land of opportunity. Just get legal, we'll be fine. article: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/04/29/washington/29bush.html

This is how badly our work force has become illegal: http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/04/29/immigration.fears.ap/index.html?section=cnn_latest
yes it's a CNN article, but it's still ironic

My mother and father have told me that my entire home town is boycotting Mobil/Exxon gas. Now, I see this as interesting. A single town doing this will hurt no one other than the owners of that single store. MySpace has suggested a MySpace-wide entire gas boycott on May 15. Might actually work, but a day does not do much. A day to corporate owners is like dropping a $1 bill to us. Yes, it may matter, but it's not going to seriously affect you.

And now on to feminism. First off, that is how it is spelled correctly. Second off, it is not about sueing men. It is about female equality. It is aout equal pay for equal work. It is about being able to get a job hat doesn't include standing on a street corner or on a stage naked. Yes, feminism has changed, it used to be about voting and equality. But it is most definately not about punishing masculinity. It's not about not getting marries. It's not about hating anyone with a penis. It's not a belief based in hate, it is simply about equality. And you may not like it, you may think all women pose a threat to manhood or chivalry or whatever, but it's not about that. It's about taking back what has, in the past, been denied to us, with no logical due cause.

icky news

flairofazure — 2006-05-02T12:05:01-05:00

I didn't get the job that I interviewed for on Friday.

The dvds my boyfriend sent me aren't here, but he sent them priority and through a civilian post office, which means something probably went wrong somewhere.

my roommate is packing up, which is good, but bad.. don't know when she's actually moving out yet

I went outside for an hour and turned a nice shade of pink, thank God I brought aloe with lidocaine in it (can't feel the burn for about 20 minutes after I apply the aloe), might go out tonight with a guy from the other college in town. Not as a date, just to do something different.

I think that's it

I think today should just end

flairofazure — 2006-05-02T05:05:22-05:00

the guy I was going to go into town with, hasn't contacted me

my grandfather, who had a stroke in February, has been in 3 different hospitals since, and has finished any extraneous physical therapy (meaning he won't get any better), is now going to be moved into another hospital. I just got a panicy im from my sister who has been trying to reach my parents (they're golfing and don't usually answer their cell phones). So I called them, my boyfriend mother answered my mom's cell. My mom finally got the message, and now people are being contacted, meaning even if I went out, I'll probably get bad news while I'm out.

I just want something to go right.

We interrupt your normal broadcast

flairofazure — 2006-05-02T09:05:39-05:00

dun dun duun

There is drama in the roommate's relationship. There is a war of away message

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-03T04:05:03-05:00

so the guy I went out with last night, blocked me. No contact, nothing. Said, "We should do something when you get back from Germany"

and no contant since

maybe I really am the annoying one in the room

However, my boyfriend's birthday is today!

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-03T06:05:32-05:00

I just don't want to be here anymore. No more papers, no more studying. Just let me get away from these stupid, rich, snotty people.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-04T01:05:13-05:00

I don't write anymore. Well, I write, obviously, but I haven't written a real poem, one with all of my energy and emotions, in a very long time. I miss writing. I miss being able to see what happens when my emotions meet my words and spill like literary vomit onto a page or screen. I feel like for all of the academic knowledge I have supposedly gained while in college, I've lost knowledge of who I am. My poety used to be very focused, it wasn't always structured, but it was focused in a way that I think is hard to describe.

I wrote one poem that made a few people cry. It was raw emotion, mixed with pain and hurt, and the words I have known to grow and love and use. I used to be able to write my way out of anything. As long as I could write, I could do well in anything. I don't even know if I have that anymore. My words get confused in my head, and in order to use a specific word I have to think about what it means and then maybe it'll return to me. I got a C+ on a paper this semester, that has never happened to me before. Who is to say what word is the wrong word, or that a single typo of not instead of no confuses the writer to the point that I deserve a C+?

I guess maybe it left when I gave up on reading. Oh how I love(d) to read. I could read multiple books at a time and the book I picked up depended only on my mood. I could sit for hours and get lost in someone else's world. Fairy tales, magic castles, heros and heroines, they were apart of me, they were my escape. I gave up on reading, because reading academic books burns me out. I'd much rather watch tv than read now. Maybe that'll change over the summer again. It didn't last summer.

Maybe when I return to the world of words, the words that I need to feel myself will return to me.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-05T11:05:45-05:00

I just found a cute site, a lot of goods are recycled, but this is a really good idea, even for a bathroom or something: http://www.uncommongoods.com/item/item.jsp?itemId=11386

and if I had a living room or some reason to buy these, I would: http://www.uncommongoods.com/item/item.jsp?itemId=13544

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-06T09:05:46-05:00

He's dying. I don't know if I can do this...

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-09T09:05:01-05:00

I am not a chauffeur that can be ordered around and just sit and wait

I am not someone to be yelled at or pushed around because you have a mood swing

I am not your punching bag because mom and dad made you do something

I am not your maid to clean the bathroom everytime I need to us the sink, the bathtub we share, or the disgusting floor that you never clean

But I guess it is my fault for coming home and "messing everything up"

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-19T08:05:30-05:00

Sorry I dropped off the face of the earth, I just don't have much to say

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-19T08:05:30-05:00

I lied, I have something to say... if you like pictures, a few cool people, and some ideas, please go to the following link, join, and join in on some discussions or post pictures :)

http://www.da.badmatty.com/

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-05-24T11:05:05-05:00

His captain won't let him take any leave this summer

I won't see him until December

I can't even buy tickets to see him, because they won't confirm the ship's schedule

He gets out less than 15 days after I leave for Germany

It's time to explain my mom

flairofazure — 2006-05-29T08:05:38-05:00

Two summers ago my mom came down with Lupus Nymphritis, it's an immune disorder, her body was attcking her joints, kidneys, and liver. At first the doctors had no clue what was wrong with her. She couldn't be in a car going doing a bumpy road without being in so much pain she would start to cry. One day she went to a kidney specialist, they did a test and immediately put her in the hospital. They said had she waited 3 more days she could have died of kidney failure. She was in the hospital for 2 weeks, I think. They put her on steroids, and get her treatments like radiation. She lost almost all of her hair, so she ordered a wig. She gained a lot of weight due to the steroids. She got done with radiation right before Christmas of 2004. She's still not in remission, and has to take a lot of drugs to not be in pain and to supress another flair up. She could be in remission for months, years, or simply a few weeks.

When she got sick it was time for me to choose a college. I applied to 4. One around Washington, DC, one in Illinois, one in Ohio, and one here in New York State. I really didn't want to go to the one here, but she essentially made the choice for me. Granted I never even applied for some of the schools I really wanted, but that's part of my boyfriend's story.

My mom's medications make her very tired very quickly, and she forgets things. And it's not like her forgetting to buy eggs when she's out shopping (she doesn't shop anyway, my dad does for the most part). She forgets all types of things. She'll ask me to take off of work for something, and then I will, and we'll find out what she wanted me to do is in a few weeks. She'll get angry very easily, so many of us walk on eggshells to make sure she's calm. Yesterday she got me so angry because she has things "her way" I threatened to leave and just move out permanently. If I had some place to go, I may have actually gone somewhere other than for a bike ride.

She threatenes me with "I hope your children are like you one day" and I hope they are. It'll mean they're strong and intelligent. Yesterday she literally pushed me around, because she was so angry at me. However, it was me who had to apologize. I've been across the face and pushed around before, I think it's her only way she figures she can win sometimes, because I don't back down from a fight, but I won't hit her (or just about anyone) back.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-06-07T06:06:18-05:00

The ship has a new captain, literally. This is the 3rd one since he's been on it... he's been on it a little over 2 years.... maybe he can resubmit his chit

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-06-12T09:06:16-05:00

Soon, I will explain me and my boyfriend's 5 year relationship...soon

so it began

flairofazure — 2006-06-13T07:06:18-05:00

I was 10 or 11. I hated the world. I hated how I looked and how people treated me. I was smart, intelligent, I knew the answers and no one else did. No one else cared. Other people cheated, they were thin, they were pretty, and they were mean. I was so shy. I wouldn't talk at parties, I'd bring a book. I hadn't found my sketch book yet. I had my books, and they couldn't be mean, they didn't care that I was fat, had huge glasses, long unruly hair, or 2nd hand clothes. I could read books all day, and none of them would make fun of me...

For some reason I remember it being New Years Day, but it could have been in the summer/fall... and we went and visited one of my dad's friends. There was a skinny handsom guy sitting at the computer. Much older than me, he was in high school. He smiled at me. He treated me like I was normal. He never talked down to me or treated me like I was weird. I had a crush on him then. He showed me how to use the internet, computers, how to problem solve, how to use my intelligence for something.

He went into the Navy, but I became one of his closest friends, he'd call me and write me. HE had a girlfriend, we actually made a bet, he bet me a Disney movie that he wouldn't have girlfriend when he went into bootcamp, he lost. His girlfriend went crazy and became suicidal, he stopped calling her, and kept talking to me.. sometimes for 2 or 3 hours at a time. He came home, and we went to the mall, ended up going to see a movie, and wound up kissing... that was the beginning.

We went to the state fair, kissed on all the rides, I fell asleep on him the way there, he fell asleep on the way back. He did everything we possibly could. IT was innocent at first, just a few kisses. I'd never been kissed before. Boys weren't real interested in me, I took school seriously and nothing could get in my way of school. So then he said "I love you" and the butterflies in my tummy arrived. And I knew I loved him. A while later while he was stationed in the middle east, he shared a flat with a woman, he said it was innocent, I knew better. Then he was stationed in Norfolk, started dating Michelle. HE was upfront about it, but I was angry with him. So angry anything we did together was full of tension and wasn't much fun. We went to a movie, bad idea, wound up kissing... and then more. No sex though, and he knew it. There was no sex to be had until we were both more grown up.

We got back together, and it was good for a while. He'd come home on 3 day weekends while in A school. Then he got transfered to Maryland for a few months, then in Jacksonville. He came home to go to my school dance, it was mazing. I felt like a princess, and felt beautiful. I felt like he always told me I looked. He was my prince and it was so nice to be in those arms. The song of the dance was "Amazed" by Lonestar

Then he met Ana. Ana ruined me. She made him stop calling me. He told me about her a few weeks into his 6 month deployment in the Med. Sea. It was awful. My mom was sick, my best friend stopped talking to me, and I needed to pick a college. It was really really rough. She caused a lot of problems. When I got accepted to my first choice I told him, and he told me to stop emailing him because it sounded like I was trying to guilt him into coming back to me. All I wanted to do was share my good news with my best friend.

He pulled back into the hsip's home port the day before my birthday. He called me to wish me a good birthday, but I was in school. So I called him back, and he lied to me. HE stopped calling me all together. Ana believed we talked too much to be just friends. I was her enemy. I had no will to fight her, if she was making him happy, I can't stop it. It hurt me beyond anything, but I couldn't stop it, not the way she thought I was. She called me, IM me, text messaged me, to call me names and make me go away. I gave up, I let her think she won. And she did for a while, I couldn't fight her, not a country away.

Then his grandfather started dying. She told him to get over it. I called him, left him a voice message "I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa, call me if you need me, don't forget I love you" But he didn't call. Not until he came home. When grandpa was given last rights. He came home, and I went up to the hospital with him. Then he left. Grandpa died two days later. HE didn't come home for the funeral, so when he came home for my graduation I asked him if he wanted me to go up to the cemetary with him to see grandpa's final resting place. He cried with me for two hours. We came back to my house and sat for a few minutes then I had to get ready to coach softball. He kissed me then. He said 'fuck it"andkissed me. I couldn't look at him after that, I bured my face in him chest. He asked me if I was crying and I shook my head, I couldn't look at him.

We went out that night to the pier, stayed out until 2am, made up the only way two young adults know how. But there was no sex. Ana came to visit... and after that every time she talked to me, she knew the relationship was ending sooner and sooner.

One day he dumped her. Asked to give him a week to work things out in his head without me calling him, so I agreed. The next day she called me. Called me names, accused me of things, made me so upset I was shaking and cring. I called him. Didn't get a phone call. Silence... until 8pm. He wanted to make sure I was alright, I had never called him so upset before. HE told me he made up his mind, and he didn't need to stop talking to me.

October came, his parents 25th anniversary came, and to suprise his mom we both showed up. We hung out.. it was the official beginning. November came, he visited us in S. Carolina. Christmas came, he bought me a $95 necklace from Lord of the Rings, I bought him a ring and a chain, so he could wear it while working on the ship.

How things are good.

He's coming home for 7 days before I leave for Germany, he gets discharged in September, I come home December. Then we might be official. Then the future that we both talk about might arrive.

I'm just terrified another Ana will find him...

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-06-16T08:06:50-05:00

He's in Scotland

to my friends

flairofazure — 2006-06-23T10:06:51-05:00

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not doing things at midnight. I'm sorry for not wanting to go out drinking. I don't believe that alcohol should be consumed by immature people. If you don't have limits, you may as well be asking to be fuckd up. Hiding things. Being immature. I'm sorry for looking down on these things.

I'm sorry for having two jobs. For needing the money to go abroad. I'm sorry for having moved away to go to school and not needing you. I've never needed you, because you taught me to not need you. I hate it here. I hate the small mindedness. I hate the fact that you even brought up drinking. I'm sorry for not being able to waste money on movies, food, go karts, etc, every night of every weekend.

I'm just sorry for being me, I'll just keep to myself, like I shold know enough to do by now

superman

flairofazure — 2006-06-27T08:06:58-05:00

I'm planning on going to see Superman. My friend stephen and I had plans to go since we heard about it and my sister wanted to go see it with me. So then, my friend Jennie found out. She talked about it in front of my friend Justin and her boyfriend Joe. My one good friend I haven't seen so I invited her.

So, a group of 3 will likely turn into a group of possibly 8. Me, my sister, Stephen, Jennie, Joe, my good friend KL, Jennie's boyfriend Joe, Justin, and his friend who he brings everyone Shana.

so, someone tell me how much I'm not gong toenjoy this anymore. Plus I have to work both jobs Thursday. Hopefully the movie will be good, it'll be 3D IMax

to make a decision

flairofazure — 2006-06-27T09:06:30-05:00

I need to make a decision, to finalize it when I'm in Europe. I could wait, but then... there would be no point in waiting. When I come back from Europe I'll be a Junior. I need to decide between transfering and staying at Ithaca. I dislike Ithaca. People don't want to learn, they're there for the name, because of mommy and daddy, or because they're rich and want to party with other rich people.

But it is a name. It isn't what I want to learn, but it is a name.

And if I tranfer will I be doing it for me, or to be closer to him? Is this what I really want? a degree in Politics, when I want to do something else, I want to study International Relations. It just... fascinates me. And it makes sense. American history and politics are boring to me, because Americans don't care. Other places care, they vote they participate, they have a better system (I will soon explain why our two-party system is almost a one-party system, and isn't likely to change ever).

ahhh, I don't know

I am tired

flairofazure — 2006-07-06T10:07:04-05:00

However I wasn't aware how tired I was until I re-read the e-mail I sent to my study abroad advisor (I'm using IES, not my school's programs)

Hello,  Three of the five classes I registered for are still pending: PO/CU332 the european Union and the Muslim World, PO/CU334 Migration, ethnic minorities and multiculturalism, and PO365 Foreign Policy Analysis. The note on the bottom says that my transcript is missing. Should I have my college to send IES another transcript, or what else can I do?  Thank you,

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-07-07T12:07:06-05:00

ok.. Wed to Thursday.. get home at 1:45, go to bed shortly after, get up at 5:36

Thurs to Friday, get home at 3, go to bed very quickly, get up at 5:36

I'm tired, very very tired

my fantastic yesterday

flairofazure — 2006-07-11T09:07:22-05:00

I've gained weight. I'm okay with this (not really, but there isn't much I can do about it). I'd love to be 20 lbs lighter (like I was around Christmas). Okay, so I need to buy plain clothes to go to Europe in. Plain clothes.

I took yesterday off yesterday from this job (the office one) I went shopping. I bought 4 shirts for $20. I like how I look (relatively). So, then I go into the pet store job. I walk in and the assistant manager is pissed the fuck off. So, I do what I'm told and go do stuff. AM leaves. Owner helps a woman who has successfully killed two lovebirds. The one bird looks skinny, the other one has been managled because it was "put into the trash". The skinny one is still under our 14 day guarantee. So, owner says she can use the $64 to buy anothe rbird or whatever she likes. Owner leaves. Woman comes up to Jennie and says she doesn't want the bird now but wants to come back with the husband some night this week. Jennie says that she needs to sign her store credit. Woman becomes a bitch and brings husband into it, by telling the woman that she didn't care for her birds. Woman talks/yells/berates Jennie for 20 minutes. Customers have stopped and stared at this woman.

Another AM comes in and backs up Jennie, woman finally agrees to sign for store credit. She leaves.

Right after bird woman, I go back to the fish area. Now, I was told to help with stock (we get a large amount of stock on Monday nights). I managed to put a whole 3 boxes where they belong, because I was in the fish room the whole night helping customers which the fucking AM of the fish room was no where to be found. Jennie didn't lock the doors at 9pm, so we had customers stuff coming in at that point. AM finally shows up and locks the doors at 9:05, and we try to kick customers out. Justin and Shana show up. Annoy the hell out of me.

I go home pissed because of the 5 people in the store only 3 did their job that night.

I show my mom the new shirts I bought. She doesn't like them. So they're going back.

I hate being here because I didn't come in yesterday and stuff didn't get done, so I get to fix some things, which I hate doing.

And if I had a choice I wouldn't go back to the pet store for a very very very long time. However, I need the money.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-07-20T09:07:14-05:00

I intensely dislike being me at the moment. I should lose weight before he comes home. I really should. I just have no motivation. I hate the pet store job. I got hurt (I bounce back well) last time by tripping over a box of gravel. I just... I'm so sick of people who don't think. Who... I don't know. I need time to myself and I haven't gotten it. And I miss him. And I miss it being quiet. I miss just being able to sit next to him, and it still being comfortable in silence, not needing words or actions... just being. I midd judt being

a change

flairofazure — 2006-07-27T09:07:43-05:00

I'm no longer angry at the world (thats a change, ain't it). I'm disappointed in myself. I care too much. I honestly and truly care too much. I care too much when I'm corrected. When someone needs to double check me, and do my work twice. I'm disappointed that someone feels the need to do that, as I should do a better job. I'm disappointed I did what I did at work Wednesday night. That I screwed up my schedule. That I won't be able to work the Carnival with my dad. That I'm working so much I don't see my parents at all, or am able to help in the gardens.

I'm disappointed that I make Maxine's life miserable. That I don't have a real job. That I don't have a real car. That I hate where I go to school, and I dislike where I live now. That I don't feel at home anywhere. That I haven't been happy most of this summer, minus two large events. When I found out my boyfriend could come home, and at Jackie's (my friend's sister) graduation party. I've been miserable.

I hate the fact that I dislike sitting and trying to decide what to do for hours on end. That I don't want to go outdrinking. You know what? I don't hate that, because I can drink whenever I damn well please, except I choose not to. I hate that I don't want to see my friends because I don't want to be around 8 people at a time.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-08-04T03:08:05-05:00

I'm sorry I havem't been around...

I'm in Philly, leaving tomorrow, at a conference about the culture change in nursing homes.

If anyone is interested in what I have learned throughout my internship, and time spent at (problems solving) this conference. Let me know, and I'll answer any and all questions.

need help

flairofazure — 2006-08-09T06:08:51-05:00

I need a catchy screenname for my abroad blog. I'll probably use livejournal for it... but you will be given the link...

suggestions please!

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-08-21T03:08:37-05:00

I'm leaving for Germany Aug 31st... so here is a linkie poo to click on to follow me around. I'm still gonna post here about all sorts of things, but feel free to click on the link to see pictures and virtual post cards...

http://in-europe.livejournal.com

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-08-27T03:08:17-05:00

I'm going on a date in about 45 minutes... going on a date

I even put makeup on.. hell might freeze over and pigs might fly tonight, don't be suprised. My makeup got mixed up withmy sister's so it doesn't look as good as it could, but.. it's on

And I couldn't find my coverup, so I used hers, I'm just slightly orange in fake light, but look fine in natural light.. I think

I got thrown into the pool yesterday at the party. And then sat at the bonfire with him.

I love him.

They're "planning" my bridal shower all ready...

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-06T03:09:03-05:00

I am in Germany.. if you'd like details please go here: http://in-europe.livejournal.com/

and I will update more later, I'm tired.. so I may go to sleep. It's 9:30pm here

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-08T03:09:17-05:00

A black cat followed me home today. I met it at the door of my building and it followed me up the stairs through the double doors and to my door. I'm not sure what to make of it. He/she was meowing and rubbing up against my legs. It was kind of skinny, too. I shooed it away from my door with my foot, and it lept away, but came back to meow at me.

I kept trying to tell it that it can't come in with me.. I feel so bad for it. Sitting out there, hungry, meowing for a cat person to come along and rescue it...

And I can't stop thinking about all of those fairy tales where a person helps an animal and it turns out to be a fairy or something... I definately wouldn't have gotten any suprises from the fairy or witch or whatever.

I feel very guilty.

I feel...

flairofazure — 2006-09-12T01:09:50-05:00

I feel kind of homesick, but I miss my seeing my boyfriend more than being home. He gets put of the navy in a few weeks, and then he has a few weeks off, and he starts his new job. He's going to have a stable job, hopefully, however he doesn't get vacation, sick days, or time off other than when the business is closed. Which, is fine, I just hope he doesn't get suckered into working extra days just for the cash. I miss seeing him, and being able to touch him, or kissing him goodnight when I go to sleep. It's not like I'm lonely here either, there are 54 other Americans in my program, and I've made a lot of friends, but spending the night out as a group to a winery, where couples are sitting enjoying eachother and a bottle of wine is very different than being one of those couples.

I have been here almost two weeks, it'll be two weeks Friday, and down to 3 months until I go home on the 15th. So.. it's not like I don't like it here, I do, it's amazing and I get to go all over Europe, but I kind of wish I was home at the same time, waiting to see him when he comes home.

Walking through the streets...

flairofazure — 2006-09-13T03:09:30-05:00

Ok, the night that my baggage came in and I got lost in the city with the guy named Rob, (if you don't know the back story, check out my lj, the link is below) we met the condom police. We were walking and talking and we see this bunch of women dressed in dark blue wearing "police" hats, handing stuff out. Normally a flower for the lady costs a euro or something, and the condom must be free.

But these ladies come over to us and start talking to us and we asked them if they spoke English. Well then they start complimenting Rob on how beautiful his girlfriend (me) is and how I deserve a flower on our date. He then tells them that I just had to deal with the airline who lost my luggage, some of the women give me hugs, hand me a flower. And then they tell Rob that I have a special sparkle in my eyes, and hands him a condom.

And I'm taking a picture of the condom ads around town.

I hope I'm spelling condom right, it just doesn't look right at the moment.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-15T04:09:50-05:00

What are the odds of being on the pill, using a condom and still being pregnant?

I don't think I am (my pills will let me know in a week and a half) but, really, what are the odds?

incredibly annoyed

flairofazure — 2006-09-18T02:09:34-05:00

I'm in a program affiliated with my school in order to be in Germany. One of the two stipulations of being in this program is that you need to have a German cellphone and give it to the program incase of emergencies. If you have a cell phone when you arrive, you're given a piece of paper to write it down on. There is supposedly a due date for when this information needs to be handed in. So, I wrote down my number on the sheet, checked the box to say that I don't mind people dispensing my phone number and room number. I do so. I follow all directions, I even buy a 32 Euro tram card even though I'm almost out of money. Whatever.

I get an e-mail today saying they never got my number, and I'm now under administrative review because I'm beyond the fucking due date. Now, this is not the first time the stupid program has fucked up. They lost my transcript, couldn't verify my schedule, and I got to do all the leg work, and then they finally found it again. I had to read 7 chapters of an awful, poorly written book, and then write a 2-page summary in order to take a class. They told other people to not worry about it.

I would never ever ever tell someone to use this program based on the first almost 3 weeks of being here.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-21T04:09:39-05:00

The beams of sunlight
coming through the window
is like your arms wrapped around me
welcoming me home

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-21T05:09:48-05:00

What does one do if one thinks one has a yeast infection while in Germany? Granted it could be a reaction to the new soap I'm using, or some strange form of PMS. I'll get my period next week, so should I just wait until after then to go and try to explain to a pharmacist what I need? Do I schedule an appointment with an English speaking gyno? And if I do schedule an appointment, do I wait until after next week? I'm leaving for a 10 day field trip and won't be back until October 8th.

I'm so fucking itchy I just want to stay in the shower all day.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-24T11:09:08-05:00

The navy moves him out either monday or tuesday. So he's got a lot of cleaning and stuff to do. I understand this. Really, I do, I've have to do similar things, whatever. However all I get are "I'm not ignoring you I just really have to clean" text messages, after he spends 6 hours playing computer games.

I leave Thursday morning for a 10 day trip to Eastern Europe, no form of communication other than text messaging. And he can't take an hour out to talk to me.

Yes I'm slightly PMSing, but I still think it'd be nice to talk to me for a while.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-09-25T04:09:32-05:00

I hate waking up and feeling like crap. The sky is gray and it's drizzely out. It just doesn't look like it's going to be a good day.

Krakow

flairofazure — 2006-10-02T03:10:47-05:00

I never thought I'd be in Krawkow. My mom's mom was born here. She was sent to a concentration camp somewhere around here. My grandfather was in the British Army and librated her camp. That's the extent of my knowledge about it.

But this place is beautiful. I want to bring my boyfriend here. He said there wasn't anything worth seeing in Eastern/Central Europe. But this place... it's beautiful.

But here I sit, in the internet room of my hotel in Krakow. I just got out of the sauna. I'm quite refreshed. My wet hair is dripping down my neck and onto my shirt. Yet I don't want to go back to my room. Here I am perfectly happy being alone. Just reading about the crazy things happening in this world. I've been without internet since Thursday morning. Georgia and Russia are close to some kind of conflict, there have been THREE events with children in schools with guns, some kids even died. A Bridge collapsed in Quebec. The protests I saw in Budapest have done absolutely nothing to change their government. The new leader of a terrorist organization wants to kidnap Americans abroad, and CNN is gathering data as to how many American students are abroad.

And yet I don't want to go up to my room to be removed from these things. I'm living, here on this planet, I should know whats going on. I should be informed everytime there are world tensions that could change how I am to act in the world. It's just nuts. People don't know about anything. They're so involved in their own world that this world, the real world, the world where people die, doesn't matter to them. If I go up to my room, Malorie and Bill (not dating, thats another story) will be sitting in my room, more than likely "cuddeling" and talking about superficial things. Malorie doesn't like to talk about academic, or political, or economic things when not "in class". Except this world is our classroom!

Maybe I'll chill at the bar, order a smoothie, and just people watch.

There are so many things to learn and see... I feel bad for just sleeping the night away.

I know this sounds silly

flairofazure — 2006-10-08T03:10:16-05:00

Why don't I come first every once in a while? I understood why the Navy came first, it just had to. It's how it was. And I know he thinks about me, and he loves me. I know he's there for me if I ever need him or even when I just want him around. But sometimes, I wish I came first more often than not. Yes, I'm tired. I've been up since 4 this morning. it's 9 now. This semester is almost half over.. middle of next week will be the midway point. And I just.. want to go home. I'm cold, and I'm tired, and all of my clothes are dirty. And I want to be held.

my new decision

flairofazure — 2006-10-12T02:10:43-05:00

I'm lonely because I make myself so. A lot of people are going out tonight to a really cheap student bar. However just about everyone in the program is going, thats 50 people. In a small student bar. We take up a lot of space, and I don't want to hang out with all of them. I'm eating dinner alone.. again. Granted it's because I had a class that ends at 8. Nate said he wanted to have dinner but wanted to eat before I got out of class and there would be no point in Kyle coming to my place when we'd have to go back across town to go to the bar, or atleast it wouldn't make much sense for hm to eat and then just go back across town for the rest of the night. So I'm stuck here. Working on labeling my pictures, posting my thoughts on the speakers and the cities, and waiting for my boyfriend to possibly be online.

I really am pathetic. I'm also rather lonely. I got a C- today and I may possibly be written up in an incident report from being on the trip. I kind of want to sleep in my own bed, or in his arms.. just to have that feeling of belonging again.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-17T03:10:12-05:00

I feel like today is going to be one of those "I just want to go home" days.

My toothpaste has disappeared. My soap was not where I usually put it. And the entire flat/apartment/suite would be out of toilet paper if I hadn't gone to the store last week to buy some. I have two papers due today. I have class from 2:30 until 7:45. And I miss my boyfriend.

men and women

flairofazure — 2006-10-18T06:10:29-05:00

The differences of men and women as per FlairofAzure

men are generally competitive in nature, although usually encouraging
women are evil bitches out for themselves and who, if not winning, act in a way to just get attention

men say stuff that is usually important or atleast important enough for them to talk about
women talk to hear themselves be right, and heaven help anyone else who thinks that they are right

men would rather win, but be nice about it to women
women would rather have attention and be given the game than learn something from their male counterparts

men make decisions
women are gray, shadowy decision makers who want to take everything into account until the final decision is made

This is why I hate hangning out exclusively with women, why I could never be a lesbian, and proof that men are either so stupid the don't care, or are so intelligent they act like they are stupid.

This is why I prefer to hang out with men or with women who have some common sense and have some male qualities. Specifically the ones listed above.

Disclaimer: not all women are like this. Just the majority whoI like to avoid.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-19T08:10:51-05:00

I'm in a grey mood today. Sleepy, lethargic, generally annoyed at people I can usually hang out with. A girl named KAtie noticed it. Iäm just.... frustrated, I guess

home?

flairofazure — 2006-10-23T06:10:54-05:00

One day, midterm, 1 quiz and 2 midterms, a concert, a winery tour, a sunday, monday, tuesday, a day off, 10 days, 3 days, one month, 3 flights

I'm very conflicted.

Me: I can't wait to be home
Me: but I don't want to leave at the same time
Boyfriend: Well I haven't had a problem with missing peoiple
Me: I'm sure you haven't. You seem well adjusted and are happy with your current location
Boyfriend: Its not like I don't miss them but I don't feel awful about it
Me: Do you still talk to other people like Ana?
Boyfriend: yeah
Boyfriend: Ana, Raymond, Dave...
Me: So then it's not like you're totally disconnected, you're staying connected while being happy where you are
Boyfriend: You can too
Me: I am connected, and decently happy, but this isn't home
Me: granted I don't know where home is, but this isn't it
Boyfriend: After all is said and done You'll find home isn't a place

I feel like a girl

flairofazure — 2006-10-24T06:10:22-05:00

But I am so sick of people. The people here in this program. Nate, Justin, Suzy, Szandi, Susan, blah blah blah. They're all just annoying. No one knocks on the bathroom doors they just try to open them and then huff and puff out side waiting. In German people are thinking too much. I literally sat in class today bored out of my mind because they kept asking the same questions and the poor teacher had to keep finding ways to explain something. And then someone asked a question about why, in the Accusative, each noun has to be in the accusative. The answer is simple, it just is, it's in motion, it's in the accusative, each noun has to be in the accusative. So I blurt out "The question is about a motion, therefore everything has to agree and be in motion" and Malorie goes "excuse me, I'm sorry, I understand better when she [the teacher] explains" OBVIOUSLY YOU DON'T OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T BE ASKING SO MANY STUPID QUESTIONS.

I have 4 tests in two days. One tomorrow on everything, Three thursday, two on everything, one on the dative, accusative, and a past tense (I don't remember which one). I have two more papers due next week before I leave on my trip Thursday. I need to buy a pair of black business pants before we leave. I can't do research from my computer so I have to do it either at the center or the library with crappy hours. I have no idea what to study or go over. I want to go out, but don't know who to go out with, nor do I have the time to study and go out.

And then a conversation with my mom today really pissed me off. I mentioned how when I get back from this next trip I'll have a month until I go home. She got so excited and then asked me if I was. And I said, I wasn't sure and that it would be different and it will probably take me some time to get used to again. How I would have to ask to leave the house if I wanted to drive, how I have a curfew, how I have to tell everyone where I'm going and when I'll be back in order for no one to yell at me, etc etc. She goes "well it's only for Christmas break and a few months in the summer, 4 of 12 months ain't so bad". I don't want to ever have to explain myself to everyone in the house before I leave. I don't want to have to ask to come home on the weekends when I'm at school. I don't want to have to ask permission or get approval for anything. This whole European thing has shown me I can do a whole lot without asking for anyone's fucking approval.

She was like "well, now that your boyfriend's home, he can come get you whenever you want" As much as I love my boyfriend, he is not my chauffeur to come and go to home whenever I want. I want my own car to do that. If he wants to visit me or whatever, thats all good. But I want my own mobility, I don't want to have to ask for someone to pick me up, and then wait until they can. I want to be able to drive home for the day, or a few hours, and not have to ask someone to drive me around.

I guess I'm just a bitch, and I'm tred, and slightly overwhelmed, but the whole going back thing is going to suck. Yet I don't want to stay here. I don't know what I want and therefore don't expect to get it.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-25T06:10:47-05:00

Don't want

To study

Anymore

Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-28T09:10:45-05:00

You don't realize how special traditions are until you don't celebrate them.

Although I did find It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown on YouTube, to make things slightly better

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-28T04:10:54-05:00

I'm upset and I don't really have a reason to be upset. I had a decent day. I bought stuff I'll need for my upcoming 10 day field trip, and food to last me until I leave, and some for when I get back so I don't have to go shopping right away. I finished researching and outlining a paper due Tuesday, and started to research for another one, also due wednesday. I even worked on a paper due after I get back (actually it's due on Thanksgiving). I then went across town and made chili, played frisbee, and then ate chili, fresh bread, and fresh corn bread. We then just hung out. It was great.

So then my boyfriend said that we would talk this week since we haven't really had time this past week. He worked late and I had midterms and things, so it never worked out. So I left the place where dinner was and came back here, sent him a text message saying I'd be around for a while working, once again, on my papers.

10 minutes later I get a few messages, and I find out he's going to my parent's house to carve pumpkins and hang out. And that he actually has to go, because he still needs to shower. And he promises me that he'll be around to talk to me tomorrow. Normally, I'm okay with being promised tomorrow, because his promises are generally kept. Except I want to carve pumpkins. I want to hang out with my family. I want a real kitchen, real cooking untensils, and a oven that works on Farenheit. I want to be able to physically see him, and touch him, and kiss him and flirt with him. I don't want the pictures, or the stories after. I don't want to see smiling people doing one of my very favorite holiday things.

I just got blown off, so he can do the one thing that I actually like about holidays. (Don't start with me about Christmas or my birthday, I pretty much dislike both holidays). He's going to the house I call home. He's going to hang out with my family. Which is very cool. It's just... I want to be there, too.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-10-30T02:10:37-05:00

3 of the 4 burners on the stove blows the breaker connected to my room. I lose everything, power, internet, tv, lights.

Christophe leaves dirt and a soaking wet bathroom when he's done with the shower (and he also leaves the toilet seat up)

The shower drain is so clogged my less than 5 minute shower has turned into get wet, turn off the water, suds up, rinse off, turn off the water,dry off.

I want to be able to walk into the kitchen and not have to talk about my day (although it is kind of nice to have people to talk to, instead of thinking in my head all of the time)

my boyfriend told my mother that I was drunk the other night. My mother and me, we don't get along very well most of the time. She likes to control my life, through High School, college, and now here, it will make for an interesting "being home" dynamic. Anyway, she wrote me an email saying "You GO girl" which I don't know how to take, because had I gotten drunk at school she'd react differently, and when I drink at home or at parties or something. I had two at the las party and Iwas told I "wasn't allowed" to have anymore. To keep the party happy I didn't drink anymore, but it's just rediculous that I "wasn't allowed" I'm quite old enough to decide when I should or shouldn't drink. And now she's talking to me about how her side of the family never gets hangovers. Well,t hats fantastic mom, I'd rather you keep your side of the family to yourself and let me drink whenever I want without over reacting to every damn thing I do. 5 exclamation points is very much over reacting in my book.

I'm not sure what the point was. It's just whats on my mind, other than my papers and readings due tomorrow.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-02T01:11:18-05:00

My last academic field trip starts in about 15 minutes. Today I go to Luxembourg and then Paris, then Brussels, Frankfurt and the last stop is Berlin. I will be back around midnight November 11, 6pm EST. I hope nothing happens on this trip, as the last trip nothing serious happened, but the cities we're going to this time are a lot more unsafe than last time. Luxembourg has one of the highest crime rates in Europe. The country also has a really high per capita income. Go figure, eh?

Anyway, happy beginning of November to you all, and I hope everyone is still in one piece when I return. (Including myself)

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-12T01:11:07-05:00

I had a small fight with my mom before I left for this last trip. She found one of my online journals, the one all of my friends can read. She even commented on it. She then started a conversation about one of the entries. I found this to be crossing the line of privacy. Yes, it is onlnine, but had I left my journal on the kitchen table, it would not give her anymore right to read it. It is my private thoughts, and she should have recognized it. She told me I wasn't allowed to be angry with her, but I told her that she crossed a boundary and I was allowed to be angry. Those were the last words we spoke, and I have yet to speak with her since. She's leaving on a business trip tomorrow until Wednesday to St. Paul, Minn.

I talked to one of my best friends this morning/last night. He was drunk, but was still a good listener. He made some good points, as he usually does, wether he is drun or sober. He reminds me of everything I left in the states and the things I found it Europe. The many similarities, and the many differences. He reminds me of the selfishness we all have in the choices we make, in the things we do and the things we choose not to do.

I talked to my boyfriend today. We tried to talk last night, but he didn't hear the test message I sent him when I got in from Berlin. It wasn't a big deal, so we talked today. He makes me smile in a way no one else really can anymore. I feel so negative to my situation right now, but I really love it here in Europe. I love the culture, the way of life, and although I hate cobblestone streets while wearing heels, they are beautiful and scenic and deserve to be appreciated. I feel so negative to my situation in the house where my family lives. I should count myself lucky, my parents are still married, I get along with my sister most of the time. But neither of the places I just mentioned is home. It's not where I belong. It's just a place, where I may reside for a while, but would never have that sense of belonging that the thought of "home" should bring. My boyfriend, in his arms, no matter where we are, that is my home. I can fuck up, be tired, sick, in pain, and hate the rest of the world, but in his arms, with him, those are secondary, because he can make me smile, and make me forget all of those bad things, and bring out the good things in me. I smile, and laugh, at joke, without fear that he won't understand my sense of humour, or find my comments insulting or offensive instead of funny. He is where I belong. In his warmth, his kisses, wrapped in his blankets, just with him.

I made him wait so long to have sex. And I don't regret it. Because it was ... amazing. It was slightly painful, yes, bbut I wouldn't have slept with any of the other guys I have dated. But we don't even need to have sex, anything feels amazing, sitting next to eachother at a movie, a massage, or any form of sex... it all feels like how it should, like in stories (not romances, those make things sound magical, and really it does take work), but it's just.... how home should be

e-mail

flairofazure — 2006-11-14T05:11:06-05:00

My boyfriend sent this song to me from work today, saying it reminded him of me. If you've been reading for quite some time, you'll know we've both done our share of waiting for one another...

Far Away by Nickelback

This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there's just one left 'Cause you know, you know, you know  [CHORUS] I love you I've loved you all along And I missed you far away for far too long I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go Stop breathing if I don't see you anymore  On my knees, I'll ask Last chance for one last dance Cause with you, I'd withstand All of hell to hold your hand I'd give it all I'd give for us Give anything but I won't give up Cause you know, you know, you know  [CHORUS]  S  o far away (So far away) far away for far too long So far away So far away) For far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know  I wanted I wanted you to stay Cause I needed I need to hear you say That I love you (I love you) I have loved you all along And I forgive you (and I forgive you) For being away for far too long So keep breathing Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me never let me go Keep breathing Cause I'm not leaving you anymore Believe it Hold on to me never let me go (Keep breathing) Hold on to me never let me go (Keep breathing) Hold on to me never let me go

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-15T08:11:55-05:00

MWF 9-9.50 Math for decision Making
MWF 10-10.50 Constitutional Law
MWF 11-11-50 Advanced French Grammer and Comp.

W 6-7.50 Campus Band

TR 14.25-15.50 Legislative Behavior
TR 16-17.15 US Party Politics

Yes, all of my politics classes are domestic based. This is because of two reasons. 1) the classes I'm taking right now don't show up on my transcript nor on my requirement worksheet, so I can't tell what requirements I still need. The only ones I absolutely need are US-based ones. After spring 2007 I may be done with my Politics requirements and be able to take the classes I want to take. 2) Because I registered Wednesday of the 2nd/last week of registration all of the cool non-domestic classes are taken, and since I can't prove I need them I probably wouldn't get approval for an over-ride form.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-17T12:11:59-05:00

I got ditched last night by one of my friends here. We decided to go out early and come back early. Except she invited other people over for dinner. I sent her a message saying I was leaving at 9:30. I got a beer, and left the bar at 10:30. Waiting for the 11 train, I missed mine by like 2 minutes. Two trains from where we live pass. Then the 11 train from where we live passes, she's on it. So I got back around 11:15. fooled around on the computer for a while, my friend had some issues I helped him deal with.

I had a field trip today to the Muslim Center of Freiburg. It was very interesting. I posted pictures and journal entries on Luxembourg and Paris.

I'm really going to miss this place. The people here are so friendly and nice. People hold doors, try to help you understand, try to be helpful in any way possible. They're excited to speak English, and happy to help with our German. It's just like what I imagine old America used to be. Drinking isn't a big deal. Everyone smokes (besides me) which is one of the things I like about NYS, is smoking isn't allowed in bars or anything. Food is decently cheap, I have a kitchen and a semi-private bathroom.

Although I'm about ready to go home. As always, I'm tired of the same people and the same shit. It always happens. Then I go home, fight with my mother, and go back to school refreshed.

beyond college?

flairofazure — 2006-11-18T06:11:17-05:00

At the conference I worked at this summer I met a lot of people. I kept running into the same woman multiple times, and we would always have conversations about interesting things. Like my future, what she does, etc etc. She works at Duke, is a professor, a lecturer, and an amazingly intelligent woman. She offered to let me use her name if I choose to apply to Duke for law school or just regular grad school. I've never been so honored. Never felt like I didn't deserve something so good like that before. It was like all the work and shit I've done and this one woman noticed without ever seeing a transcript, a piece of my writing, or anything. She just talked to me.

She e-mailed me tonight, about what she thinks I should get my mom for Christmas. She works in the same area as my mom, and I worked with my mom's company and worked at their conference.

My boyfriend had plans tonight, so I just needed to tell someone. Thanks for listening/reading

No doubts?

flairofazure — 2006-11-20T03:11:39-05:00

You know what I realized tonight? (It's tonight here, a little after 9pm) I don't have doubts about me and my boyfriend. I just don't. There are the fears that he'll find someone who makes him happier or whatever, but I don't have a single doubt that our future holds something more than dating.

I have doubts about my abilities. About my intelligence. About what in hell I'm going to do with a degree in Politics. What I should do about the woman from Duke. About what I'm going to tell my family when I officially decide to "move" out of my parents house.

I don't have doubts about him. I'm not going home to my family, to my friends, I'm going home to him. If he wasn't home, I don't know what I'd do. I'd probably not want to leave this wonderful place. But I'm going home to him. and I don't doubt us.

I don't think I adequately expressed what I'm trying to say, but I hope it makes sense. Is this normal?

23 days

flairofazure — 2006-11-22T04:11:24-05:00

23 days until I start my journey back to the states. 3 airplanes, 4 airports, 5 cities, 16 hours of flying and waiting.
My plane leaves at 12:35, which means I have to leave for the airport around 10, because it's about an hour's bus ride away. Then I fly into Heathrow, land there around 13.30 (14.30 to my body). Fly out of Heathrow to Boston at 16.00 (17.00 to my body) and arrive in Boston 18.30 EST (00.30 to my body). I fly out of Boston to home at 21EST (3 to my body) and arrive at my home airport at 22.15 (4.15 to my body). It's going to be a long day, but I bet I'll sleep well that night.

It'll be so strange to say goodbye to this place. To not be surrounded by other languages, ways of wearing clothes and to be immediately into the holiday season. The day after I get home we're getting the Christmas tree, and the next day is Christmas cookies. Then there's an alumni band concert at my high school, my sister's chorus concert that week, a hockey game with my family and boyfriend's family, then christmas. It's going to be a strange transition. In some ways I'm ready to go back, in others I'm not.

Germany doesn't have das Thanksgiving

flairofazure — 2006-11-23T04:11:40-05:00

They do have a day for celebrating the harvest, but it's not ceebrated the same way, and we didn't do anything for it.

Being it's almost 10am here, this time last year I was up, showered, and helping prepare food. My whole family has gone down to South Carolina to spend Thanksgiving with my sister's God parents for the last 3 years. They didn't this year. Last year I was waiting for my boyfriend to arrive, since he was in Florida I asked if he could be invited to a real Thanksgiving for a change. It was so nice, I was so relaxed. I mean, no other country has a holiday where all you do is cook and eat all day.

I don't get today off. I actually have a quiz in German. I have 4 out of 5 of my classes, my last one is cancelled so that dinner can start at 7. It's 22 days until I go home, and while I really like it here, today I just want to go home. I know I can talk to my boyfriend about it, since he's been through the same thing, but it's just like.. no one else here seems affected by it. Some people's families are actually visiting tonight and for the weekend to spend Thanksgiving together. Oh well, it's time for me to continue studying.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-24T11:11:15-05:00

Yeah, I'm ready to go home

my flatmates are throwing a party tonight. I feel kind of bad because I've stayed in my room all day, but this week ha sbeen reeally stressfull and I just want to do nothing. Unfortunately parties really stress me out, so tonight will be interesting. I invited a bunch of people but never got a real "yeah I'm coming" from anyone... makes me feel lonely and I just want to go home

Women beware

flairofazure — 2006-11-25T06:11:01-05:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/11/24/opinion/24fri3.html?em&ex=1164603600&en=fe49272b80908277&ei=5087%0A

please check this article out. Whether or not you like Bush, this appointment is alarming.

leaving

flairofazure — 2006-11-27T03:11:13-05:00

I just made my appointment to check out of my room. It gets inspected and then I get charged for extra cleaning or damages that need to be taken care of. The house keeper spoke a little English and I used a little German, so we both communicated well enough. My bus to the airport leave at 10, so I can get there at 11. My check out appointment is now 8:15. Which means I'll probably get up at 6. So I'll be "awake" for close to 22 hours by the time I get home.

December 15 seems so close, yet so far away. 18 days. I'm ready to go home, but I don't know if I'm ready to leave.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-11-30T05:11:18-05:00

Who am I trying to kid?

Why does it all go back to that one decision? That one regret? That one, horrible, awful choice that had to be made?

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-12-03T05:12:56-05:00

"I'm tired of waiting. I need you"

From him. To me.

I know

flairofazure — 2006-12-05T04:12:35-05:00

You know how I know it's time for me to go home? I miss how he smells. I miss how my house smells. How the room where we put the Christmas tree looks after we decorate the tree. The fact that I can now place just about anything I need in this kitchen, and how I wish it was my own kitchen. I just.. miss it all. And it's time for me to stop missing it, and to go into my normal "I hate holidays" mood.

Any help would be appreciated

flairofazure — 2006-12-06T05:12:43-05:00

Ok, I'm traveling back home shortly, I just have one question.

In Heathrow, London, and Logan Airport, Boston, can I check-in at the gate/terminal desk thing, or do I have to exit the terminal, check-in, and then re-enter the terminal? I think I remember that when I went through Heathrow there was no checking-in because it's considered a "domestic" (in the EU) flight, and they just hand you your seat ticket when you hand them your pasport and plane ticket, but I really don't remember.

Any help is highly appreciated :)

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-12-21T10:12:00-05:00

I'm home. Well, kind of. My mom is in the hospital so I'm more than home, I might as well be called the second mom. My dad is stressing so all he does is yell, and my sister is emotional and selfish, so I get to do the chores and things that everyone else neglects... Yesterday I just had to leave, and wound up at my boyfriends house, just sitting on the couch.

no subject

flairofazure — 2006-12-30T10:12:05-05:00

I'm so tired, and I'm annoyed and frustrated and a thousand other things. My boyfriend is sick, so tonight's plans are done, tomorrow's plans probably are too.

After some days, I just want to curl into a ball and cry

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-01-19T12:01:59-05:00

I leave tomorrow for school. My roommate's name is Shamika, she seems pretty cool. She's willing to find some place else to sleep for my birthday and valentine's day. Tonight my boyfriend and I are cooking again. I think I might be forcing him to do this, I'm not sure though. I just invited my grandma, and hopefully he's invited his parents. Chicken french, pasta, broccoli casserole, and some kind of dessert I think. Maybe the cake I made this weekend. Mom wanted me to make Flammenkuchen again, except he didn't like it, so I won't make it. No big deal. She wasn't much help in deciding what to do. So the menu is limited.

Last night hetook me out to dinner. We went to this Japanese place where they cook right in front of you, it was pretty good. I had a strip steak and he had steak and scallops. and then we had vegetables and rice. It was pretty cool. We then hung out in his spa out on the back deck, then his brother came home and we scared the crap out of him when we eventually got out of the spa and walked into the house. So now I'm cleaning and do laundry and packing. Well, I should. I'm actually watching ER on TNT. I don't want to go back, but I can't live here without going insane from my family much longer.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-01-21T12:01:14-05:00

Sooo, I'm back at school. I came back last night. Have since watched 3 movies, completely unpacked, had a bowl of cereal and had a decent amount of sleep. I've also played World of Warcraft, which I'm now stuck on until my boyfriend wants to play with me, cause he said he wanted to cross the ocean together. Anyway, I'm bored. Reading the NYtimes... classes start bright and early 9am tomorrow.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-01-27T10:01:44-05:00

When/if I get married, my father-daughter dance will be "I loved her first" by Heartland

Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each others face
So much in love your alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one
She told me so
And she still means the world to me
Just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything
Life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it still hard to give her away
I loved her first

How could that beautiful women with you
Be the same freckle face kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw you with her
It was only a matter of time

But I loved her first and I held her first
And a place in my heart will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But its still hard to give her away
I loved her first

From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-01-28T02:01:13-05:00

I hate the toilet paper here

somedays I wonder

flairofazure — 2007-01-29T01:01:43-05:00

I wonder if going to college is worth it. I don't like college, maybe it's the one I go to, or my own personality, or whatever, but I don't like college. I didn't like high school either.

I'm taking classes that don't really interest me, simply because I have to. I'm taking "Math for Decision Making" which is... boring. Right now we're working on probability, stuff I did in 10th grade. My sister has my graphing calculator so I either have to do stuff by hand or by an online scientific calculator. My French class makes me feel stupid. I've stopped participating in classes, yes this is only the second week, but I'm just either not interested, or not confident enough in my answers to participate. I'm taking three political science courses, all domestic-based. US Party Politics, Legislative Behavior, and Constitutional Law. Compared to last semester, it's just boring and it's frustrating, and it's pissing me off.

My birthday is in the middle of February, and Valentine's day is as well. My boyfriend offered to take off for both days and come down and spend the day/night with me. We've never been able to spend birthdays together because he's been in the Navy and didn't ever take leave for birthdays. Well, on my birthday I have to go watch a movie for one of my classes at 7pm. That same day I have classes until 5:30p, so we'll get to do nothing but sit in my room probably. Valentine's day I have a rather large group presentation due, review for a math test the following Friday, and review for a French exam the following Monday. Should I just tell him that I can't do it? should I do as much work as possible to not have to do more when he's here? Should I stop worrying and just let stuff happen like a normal college student? I really need above a 3.5 this semester. I had my first quiz today, don't know how well I did. I'm lacking confidence. What happened to my confidence?

To top it all off,I just don't want to be here. No real reason, I just don't want to be here. I don't have a car, I have to depend on a bus. I'm forced to eat in the damn dining halls or waste the $7000 on board that I pay. It's just frustrating that I have to deal with all of this after having the freedom I did in Germany. I miss being there, the culture there. It's just so much different.

I signed up for my group process and interview for becoming an RA. Maybe doing something like that will make being here better? It'd atleast keep me occupied. I do things, participate in Admission's Office things, work on compus, go to French club. One of my high school friends goes "participate more" well, as much as you like to run around from a class overload to 7 million clubs, I like having some time to be able to relax.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-01-31T09:01:03-05:00

me: I'm not satisfied
him: With?
me: anything
him: I knida of feel the same way right now
me: how come we're broken?
him: because we're apart again
me: not for long
him: no but we are and thats the problen

movies

flairofazure — 2007-02-02T11:02:45-05:00

Okay, the roommate and me, we're not gonna work out if every movie we watch has to be explained to her. Xmen is not a difficult movie to understand.

discovery

flairofazure — 2007-02-04T01:02:47-05:00

There are two things I have discovered this week. Neither has to do with classes or the rediculous amount I pay in tuition a year ($37,000 by the way). 1) Why politics cannot be discussed civilly 2) Why long distance relationships fail

1) Because people that questioning of their opinions too personally and then the debate becomes a personal one. I found this out by questioning a high school friend about her views in Iraq, and it turned into insulting one another instead of an intelligent discourse about our views on Iraq

2) Because no one is willing to give and take. My long-distance relationship has worked out (mostly) so Ive always been curious why other people's relationships fail. My roommate has a boyfriend at home. She thinks he's cheating on her and lying to her (1 - lack of trust ruins relationships). She claims that he doesn't call her when he says he will, but she doesn't answer her phone because "she doesn't feel like it" (2 - lack of give and take). She would like to speak with him, but refuses to call him because he "never calls" her (3 - pride). These three examples ruin a relationship when the people live together, let along if they cannot physically see or touch oneanother to be able to have real conversations.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-04T08:02:32-05:00

This girl and I were best friends in high school. My first ever female best friend. Junior year we got really close, senior year even more so, until the middle of the school year. Then she started making me feel stupid. Nothing she would do on purpose, it was just the tone she'd take and the way she'd talk, the way she would always have to be right. I had a debate with her recently, it got quite personal, and now I realize why I hate school. Because I dislike dealing with people like her. She's unflexible, unyeilding, and has the undying need to be right and always have all the attention. Sometimes I wish I could always get what I want and always win a fight and always always be right. But would I ever be really happy or feel challenged or learn?

This side of the phone conversation

flairofazure — 2007-02-08T06:02:32-05:00

Hi ma, I just called to let you know I'm gonna fail my test tomorrow. I just have so much to read and I just don't feel like reading all of this. I only have had the book since yesterday, since I'm sharing the book. No, I don't want to buy my own book. Yeah, I called grandma and she's sending me $200 sometime this weekend. I also just don't have time to do any of my homework....

First of all, if you don't feel like reading, then it's your own fault for failing
Second, if you shop around online, like half.com, amazon's used books, B&N's used books, you can find really cheap books in decent condition. You just have to spend alittle time, and I personally spend less than half of the cost than if I was to buy the books here. I've suggested looking into buying them online, and she's refused to look into it.
Third, asking for money or whatever is fine, I personally hate it, but I don't know...
Fourth, she's always on the phone, always has friends in the room. In order to have time, sometimes you need to make time. And you don't have to study hard, you just have to study smart. Instead of ready the whole chapter right now, you should have read 1/3 of it last night, 1/3 of it this afternoon, and a 1/3 of it right now. I made this suggestion last night, and she hasn't done anything about it, so eh.

But now she's off the phone so I can concentrate on my case for my constitutional law class.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-09T04:02:12-05:00

Why does Anna Nichole Smith's death matter? why is it, in the words of my roommate "horrible!"? She was just a woman, just like you or me. Why should her death matter and not the ones who die every day of preventable illnesses? Do I just not understand?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-10T09:02:06-05:00

My roommate is currently annoying me, it's taken 4 weeks, but it's finally happened.

in my room there is a friend of hers, who I'm cool with. Rap music, which I'm generally not okay with, so I have my headphones on. And now a movie, still with the music on it. And she's on her cell phone. She hasn't done any work all weekend... I'm just very confused.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-11T03:02:25-05:00

Roommate, while on the phone:"want to go to dinner at five?"
me: "I have a meeting for a class then"
"She has a meeting then. When do you get out?"
"I don't know"
"Oh man. Well --"
"Why don't you guys go and I can go pick up a sub from downstairs?"
"Are you sure? Okay, I'll meet you for dinner at five" she hangs up the phone. And this is my favorite part...
"So whats this, your, meeting for"
"For one of my classes, we have a group project." silence "For constitutional law, it's due this week"
"oh"

I feel like I'm back at home explaining to my parents where I have to be when. "I have a meeting/plans/etc" should be sufficient to a roommate. Don't you think?
We watched another movie last night, that was interesting. And then I took a nap today, and she got a phone call and didn't leave the room, so I got up before my alarm went off. We had the "I sleep really lightly" conversation and she's replied "ok, I'll try to be quiet" several times. How do I deal with it now?

I'm pretty sure I sound like a bitch, and I don't mean to.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-15T02:02:19-05:00

he just left and I miss him already. I should be on my way to class, instead I'm still in my warm room. Contemplating whether or not to cry. Crying sounds so stupid, but its what my body wants and what my brain detests. I had a snow day yesterday, not much could have been better for Valentine's Day, with him here. And my birthday was good, too. I'll update more, but I should probably be going to class.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-15T09:02:01-05:00

and then the doubt sets in

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-20T10:02:29-05:00

I need my own room so incredibly badly. Roommates are so annoying. She claims she's "studying" put all she's doing it tapping her pen, papers, and shuffeling through books and papers constantly, then typing every once in a while... AHHHHHHHH

Then I go to fix the cable, cause it's supposed to be taped to the floor, and she keeps throwing me weird looks. After studying for my own exam for 3 hours, I need to do something else!

My mom

flairofazure — 2007-02-22T06:02:29-05:00

Ever since my mom was diagnosed and treated for Lupus her memory hasn't been very good. She'll ask the same question two or three times, forget appointments, ask someone to do two different things because she doesn't remember asking them to do the first thing, she forgets where she puts things, where she parks the car, where she put the stuff she bought, things she's told. I left the necklace I got for Christmas last year from my boyfriend at home to get fixed when I was in Europe. My dad picked it up, it was all of $7, and put it in my room. My mom then cleaned my room, and proceeded to lose my necklace. Because she was in the hospita when I got home and found out, I wasn't allowed to be angry at her. I finally brought the whole memory issue up last weekend when I was home, because she forgot something my sister (supposedly) told her two or three times.

So I was like "mom, have you talked to your doctors about this memory problem?"
"I DO NOT HAVE A MEMORY PROBLEM"
"mom you forget all sorts of things"
"well maybe those things aren't important enough for me to remeber, or maybe I'm doing two or three things at once so I can't remember everything"

she then, even before we got out of the car, forgot something again.

This weekend I'm also going home, to my boyfriend's parents thing at some hotel. They're checking in early and are going to use the pool an invited us along. I told him I'd have to ask my parents what they were doing, so I don't piss them off. Well, I called my mom a second ago, and I asked her if it was all right. She said we have an appointment at either 1:30 or 2:30. I asked which one, and refused to say "I don't remember" she said she wasn't sure, and all sorts of things. She's like "I'll call tomorrow and let you know, okay"
"Okay. Well, it's not okay, but sure fine"
"why isn't it okay?"
"because it's not fair to him, to tell him we can't leave until 3:30, when you don't really know."
"well, what would you have me do?"
"I would have appreciated it if you had written it down, so then we'd know."
"well we're not all perfect I'm just so sorry I'm not perfect enough for you. Bye."

cost benefit

flairofazure — 2007-02-25T05:02:25-05:00

If I don't get the RA position, I'm thinking about transferring to a different school at home. There are a bunch, one's cheaper by $3000, but there are 3 schools I'd consider with decent programs, a decent cost of attendance. All are close enough to be able to see my boyfriend and go to my house whenever I wanted. I'm planning on getting a car this summer too. However I'd lose the prestige of this college's name, I also think I might be letting myself down in a way. I've never quit anything. But I hate it here. This isn't the program I was led to believe it was, these aren't the classes I wanted to take. And had I known I was going to end up in New York state anyway, I should have just applied to the colleges at home.

I want the RA position, but I don't. If I get it, I don't know if I could do the week-long music camp in August, but I'd have a single, I'd meet new people, I'd have more to do, less time to think. If I don't get it, I could seriously consider transferring. I know it's getting late, but if I go to a school that $16,000 per year, instead of $40,000 per year, I could handle the semester I was thinking about getting out early with.

I'm just so tired of taking classes that won't matter instead of taking classes I want. I wanted to take a history class this semester, but it conflicted with one of the classes I knew I needed to take. The art programs here suck, I can't take a dance class because I'm not a theater major, and I can't take an art class, like one where I learn to paint, without waiting until one of my last semesters so I can actually get it in.

So should I type up notes I'll need to use Friday, or write a paper due Thursday first?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-02-26T12:02:01-05:00

nevermind that last post.

I guess I'm thinking too much with emotions and not enough with my head. Although sometimes I get sick of thinking with my head, and wish I could do something that would make me happier than just making sense.

garbage

flairofazure — 2007-02-27T08:02:31-05:00

When I left Friday, the garbage can/bag was decently full, I figured we'd take it out Monday. Well, I came in Sunday afternoon, and there is the tied garbage bag from Friday, and also a FULL garbage bag from the weekend. How does one person create so much trash? She doesn't recycle very much, I keep pulling things out and putting them into the recycling bin, but I mean, a whole trash bag in ONE WEEKEND? really, what does she do to create so much trash? And then it just sits here. I took the one out this morning. Now we have another tied one, and a new bag in the can waiting to be filled up. I'm almost willing to bet that it will be full by Friday.

I am a liberal

flairofazure — 2007-03-01T10:03:09-05:00

I am a liberal. I openly admit it. I however also have realist views.

I recognize the fact that there are secret prisons all over the world. I understand that there is probably torture and many things that go against everything I believe in go on in these prisons. I do not agree with them.

I recognize the government knows things I will never know. During the time that these documents and pieces of knowledge are being used, I recognize the public should probably not know about them, but given time the facts should be revealed. Maybe not informants names, where they live, etc. But all facts should be seen in order to better understand our own history. I also believe it it journalist's job to point out the flaws of such a government, unlike what journalists do today.

I believe that there is racism in our country. It is horrible and should be some how eradicated. It will never fully be gone. There are other minority groups that have had to fight for equality: women, the Irish, the Jewish, the Italians, Asians, Eastern Europeans.

I believe diversity is not the color of your skin, but is the background one comes from. I am white, my mother is English and Polish, my father is Irish and the rest is unknown. So, to those who think minority/majority is based on color, I am in the majority. I, however, came from a background not usually associated with many "whites". My father owns one gun: a Bebe gun. I've never had everything I've always wanted, I've always recognized the value of money, I've had a job since I was 15, I've never owned a car (although I do have my license), I pay for my own school loans, I worked my ass off for two different high school diplomas. I've never known, until recently, what it's like to not have to pay attention to the price tag. That's what makes me part of the "diversity" pool. You do not need to be black, or hispanic, or a "race" in order to have a different perspective.

I believe the minority who think abortions are a sin should not rule the majority who believe it to be a woman's right to choose.

I believe all humans have the right to affordable health care. But it won't happen here in the United States.

I believe stem cell research is good for man kind, it could have helped to save my mom's life if her organs had started to fail, as they almost did.

I believe the government did a horrible job going into this mess we call a war, but I believe leaving right now would mean a bigger, uglier, meaner mess than anyone in this world is prepared to deal with. I believe the UN is a failing organization, and NATO will soon take over most UN responsibilities. I also believe the government and many other governments no longer care about history, they only care about the present and who they will be in future history books.

When I bring up many of these points I'm told they're stupid and flat out wrong. With no argument or facts to back up anything. So, I am no longer arguing. This is what I believe, and only intelligent conversation can change my mind.

college

flairofazure — 2007-03-05T06:03:10-05:00

I hate college. I really do. The only reason I'm here anymore is for that little piece of paper. You know, I always wanted to go to college, I still do. I wanted to learn and experience and become a better person. But that isn't what college is. It's about pleasing a professesor who doesn't care who you are, who doesn't recognize you, it's a lie from the admission's office, from the dean of a school. Granted I'm not learning what I came to school to learn. I don't enjoy my major. "well then why don't you transfer?" because is it any different at another school? Do students really want to learn, to experience? Even my study abroad program showed me people don't want to learn. They don't want to open their minds. They want that stupid piece of paper. I keep telling my boyfriend he should really get started with his company (who pays for school) and work on his degree. And then I ask myself... why bother? Is all of this fighting for grades and playing the game worth it? worth the $40,000 a year I'm forced to look at? Granted I don't pay all of that, I probably pay close to $20,000 with loans. My parents don't pay for anything except my books and stuff when I'm home.

My head is rational, and will keep me in school. My emotions are all over the place. My heart is at the place where I was born, with the only person I've ever felt at home with.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-03-05T10:03:39-05:00

I fucking have hives again.

Last Wednesday:
-Kentucky Barbecue pulled pork
-Candied sweet potatoes
-yogurt
-Sour cream and onion pringles

Last Friday:
-Chinese something or other
-sour cream and inion pringles

Over the weekend:
-it had to be my sheets, so I changed and washed those, they were different kind of hives

Today:
-Grilled Ham and cheese sandwich
-yogurt
-pops cereal

The ONLY common denominator at this point is the dining hall where I'm eating at. But it doesn't happen everytime I eat there, and I haven't eaten the same thing. So, at first I thought it was the barbecue, because I'm allergic to a specific kind of grape jelly, and grape jelly is put in barbecue sauce to sweeten it. Then, I thought it was the pringles or a spice common to both the barbecue and Chinese. So, now it's up to your guesses what I could possibly be allergic to. I'm also allergic to sulfa-based drugs, if that helps at all.

Radio Station

flairofazure — 2007-03-08T11:03:15-05:00

The radio station I listen to always has this daily segment with this one DJ, and she wants to hear from people about different things. Yesterday it was strange names. Today it's about when you knew it was true love. I thought to myself, I don't know if he's ever done anything that made me think that. But then I realized he has said things as a gesture that make me get butterflies in my tummy.

We were talking one day about how we both wanted kids, but with my family's history it would probably be hard for me to conceive. He said something like "You know that doesn't matter to me, it won't make me love you any less or anymore, and if we both want kids, we'll find a way to do it, even if we adopt". Just things like that. He's offered to buy me a car when he can barely afford his own, I told him he wasn't allowed to. He takes time to call me when he knows something is going on, and he can read my mind sometimes. He can hold me and make the world stop spinning so I can stop having to fight my way through it for a few minutes. We can sit on the phone and not talk, and be okay, because it's the meer presence. We've been separated by the ocean twice, by many states many times, and now it's only 2 hours. I really can't wait to see what this leads to, and to see him or talk with him every day of my life.

date!

flairofazure — 2007-03-08T07:03:48-05:00

I'm going on a date! wheeeeeeeee

Hockey game
Movie

wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, I like dates, they make me feel special. Well, thats a lie, anytime I spend with him makes me feel special, but I like dates anyway

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-03-18T05:03:51-05:00

I signed onto our little student system to see if my credits have fully transfered over from Germany yet (the answer was, no they haven;t). Picking classes for next semester is in 3 weeks, so I started looking around on my transcript to see what I absolutely need to fulfill in order to graduate. This is how my school works, you need 120 credit hours to graduate, most classes meet for 3 hours a week, making them 3 credits, seminars are 4 hours, 4 credits, and so on and so forth, although it usually goes from .5-4 credits. A student needs a minimum of 4 classes, 12 credits, per semester to be considered a full-time student, 18 is the maximum unless one pays some penalty fees.

I came to to college with 19 credits from high school, equal to just over a very full semester. Fall '05 I completed 13.5 credits, Spring '06 16, Fall '06 16, and this semester 16. This all equals to 80.5 credits, to add it up for you. I had planned originally to get out a semester early, meaning Fall (December) of '08, instead of May of '09. Sorry if you're lost, I'm trying to explain this the best I can. However, if you do the math, which I've now done multiple times, if I do two more 16 credit semesters, which I will do, I would have 7.5 credits to complete Fall '08. However, as my schedule stands now, I'm going to take probably 18 credits in this coming semester, which lower the credits needed even lower to 4.5. (This semester holds two very interesting courses, two science requirements: Biology of the Human Body, and Intro to Web Design. Human Body has no in-class exams.)

So if I take 9 credits through the community college where I live online learning this summer, followed by 2 16-credit semester, I would have 121.5 credits. 1.5 more than needed for graduation. If I took 6 summer credits, then two 18-credit semesters, 122.5 credits. 9 in the summer, then two 18-credit semester, 125.5 credits. This all sounds nice on paper, but how feasible is it really? 3 online courses this summer? And what do grad schools think about graduating with just enough credits? I'm going to be setting up an appointment with the career center soon, and I'll be speaking with my advisor shortly after, I need to see him anyway in order to register.

And on top of that, is it bad practice to become an RA just for one year? I put on my application that it would be either two or 1.5 years, not one. This week, I've decided I want an MBA, I think, or a Masters in like Human Resources. Or maybe go back to school at the local comm college or someplace at home and get my paralegal certificate. So, what do you all think? Seriously? I'd really like some opinions, my dad went to school but a long time ago, and my mom doesn't always understand all of this.

writing

flairofazure — 2007-03-22T07:03:59-05:00

I stopped writing, like poetry and meaningful prose, a while ago. I just lost my muse or something. I tried forcing it and the words never worked right together. I wrote a while ago about how I lost my words, and that really is how it feels. I can't make the words come together and sound pretty anymore. Except today I had two lines run through my head and for the first time in a very long time I knew I could finish it if I could just let it sit and stew. So, here it is...

Fingers interlocked, intertwined
feels like it lasts forever
and stops me in time
don't let go
please take my hand
my fingers need yours
to feel whole again

definately not my best, but not bad for not having any inspirational thought in what feels like half a lifetime.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-03-25T01:03:53-05:00

And he's gone again. I'm back in my funk :( I want to cry, but... I don't know. I'm happy when he's around here, otherwise it's like this place is my own personal hell.

another song

flairofazure — 2007-03-30T12:03:06-05:00

A song I heard recently that I really like, by Dusty Drake, called "say yes"

We've only known each other scince the moment we met
But it seems like forever to me
I haven't figured out the perfect way to say it yet
But I suppose at times like these
A man should get down on his knees

How'd ya like to be in my wedding
How'd ya like to walk down the isle
You could be the center of attention
Everyone would look at you and smile
We could send our friends invitations
You could wear a long black dress
If you'd like to be in my wedding, darlin'
All ya have to do is say, "Yes"

Your folks could be seated in the very front row
And cry when we all turn to look at you
We could cut the cake
And we could strike a pose
Like the little bitty plastic bride and groom
And then begin our life-long honneymoon

How'd ya like to be in my wedding
How'd ya like to walk down the isle
You could be the center of attention
Everyone would look at you and smile
We could send our friends invitations
You could wear a long black dress
If you'd like to be in my wedding, darlin'
All ya have to do is say, "Yes"

Say, "Yes"
Say, "Yes"
(How'd ya like to be in my wedding)
Please say, "Yes"
(How'd ya like to be in my wedding)
Say, "Yes"
(How'd ya like to be in my wedding)
(How'd ya like to be in my wedding)
(How'd ya like to be in my wedding)

Rommates and snow?

flairofazure — 2007-04-05T09:04:07-05:00

So my roommate said something this morning that kind of shocked and confused me. She opens the window half way and stands in front of it for like 2 minutes. She then closes the window and turns me to me saying "You know, when it snows out it's warmer than when it just sits on the ground, but today it's just cold."

Ok, while both statements are/might be true, if there is snow on the ground or whether it's falling from the sky it's COLD either way. I'm not really sure where she came up with this way to guess the temperature, but she then proceeds to put on her winter boots. Her music has been on since she's been up. Good thing I have an appointment at 9:10 I had to be up for. Anyway, I thought I'd share that tidbit of information. There is probably all of 1/2 inch of snow on the ground. And according to weather.com it's like 27, with windchill it's 15. She has her parka on... makes me want to giggle.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-04-07T01:04:01-05:00

I shouldn't have come home, I don't think. I pissed off my boyfriend. Have been yelled at by my sister and my mother and have yelled at my mother. Although I have had a few good moments. I wonder if it'll be worth it by tomorrow.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-04-09T02:04:47-05:00

MWF:

11-11:50 Biology of the Human Body (104) (Should be fairly easy, huge class though, no in-class exams)
12-12:50 Ideas and Ideologies (142), Politics requirement, but I've heard it's a really good class, brand new prof to the program though
1:1:50 French (451), Literature of the 19th and 20th Century, entirely in French, the prof is cool, she gives out Bs when you try

W:
6-7:50 Campus Band

TR:
10:50- 12:05 [Islamic Civilization: Muhammed to the 19th Century] (227) have to get an override form, which I've already been told I can get
4-5:15 The Holocaust (politics 230), should be a good class I know the prof I have him this semester, and since it's not a history class, we look at power perspectives and governments and stuff.

16 credits in all. No classes until around 11 each day, and on Fridays I can go home or where ever I want after 2. I talked to an RA and I can spend one full weekend home a month, but say I want to go home on a Friday night (as long as I don't have duty) I can, as long as I'm back early enough Saturday and stuff. And I've been looking at cars, because other than summer it's the only thing I have to look forward to. These past weeks since Spring Break have pretty much sucked, and it doesn't look like it's going to get much better. From looking at the levels it almost looks like I'm a Freshman again, except for French.. oh well, French and Ideas and Ideologies continues to fulfill requirements, and the bio class fills one of my science credits... should be a good semester

research, class work

flairofazure — 2007-04-11T10:04:55-05:00

I have a research project for my Constitutional Law class. I have called my local public library, the Florida ACLU, the publisher, this school's library, and have googled and checked multiple databases. I can find NOTHING on my specific topic for this project, finding the perspective of the author, her name is Alta Schreier. So, anyway, I brought this up with the main person in the group, and she said well, that's too bad. But she can't find a specific parent's name in the case, she's having trouble finding the parents names and their view points. I did a google search, 5th one on the list, parent's name and perspective.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrrrrr. I spent so much time doing this and I have nothing to show for it, one google search to find what she needed.

sleep

flairofazure — 2007-04-14T11:04:47-05:00

I haven't slept well since I was home for Easter. Sometimes it's my own body and other times it's other factors. My weekends are used for sleep and getting ahead of work so I'm not so stressed during the week.

Last night, I got in bed around 11:30, my roommate comes in right after, she didn't know this though, and spends a rediculous amount of time rustling around putting clothes on and the zipping and snapping and whatever else to go outside. So I fall asleep pretty quick, and was so sound asleep I didn't hear her come in or put the movie on. I know she had amovie on, because I turned the dvd player and tv off when I went to bed, but the dvd player is on right now.

At 4 am her fucking phone rings, wakes me from a dead sleep. She then answers it and has a conversation, gets up, opens and closes the door like twice. Then someone else (Amanda) comes in. They have a full-blown conversation, not in whispers, actually talking. Like with little kids, I let them talk for a few minutes and then they become quiet. Half hour later, I'm still awake, I get up to go pee, and then they have ANOTHER conversation. 8:30, once again, ANOTHER conversation.

So, I got about 7 hours of sleep, which makes me angry, because I like my sleep. Shamika and I have had the conversation about cell phones and such things about being considerate, because apparently she's so dense she doesn't get it. So when I got up, I made as much noise as possible, I have plans at 12:15 for a bit, for lunch. Then I have to do some research, maybe play some wow, and generally ignore her. I'm so frustrated, you have no idea.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-04-14T10:04:40-05:00

I have some of my pictures I took in Europe mixed in with other pictures that rotate as my wallpaper and screen saver. My wall paper switches ever 4 hours, but I don't really pay attention to when it switches so sometimes I'm surprised when I minimize everything.

Right now there's apicture of the Eiffle Tower, of one of it's legs and the intricate architecture and sculpture that went into constucting what was supposed to be a temporary structure. And it feels like it was all a dream. Like none of it mattered, when I know right now it makes a huge difference in how I'm dealing with my living conditions right now.... I miss it, and I miss home. Can you have wings and roots?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-04-16T12:04:52-05:00

"Hey, I have a question for you. If you get phone calls at night, would you mind going to the lounge?"
"At night?" (like it's a new idea)
"yeah"
"okay?"

Lets see if this works. We talked about twice earlier this semester. It's not a new concept.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-04-18T04:04:38-05:00

I am very stressed. I have a sinus headache that keeps threatening to become a migraine. I have three projects, one due Saturday, Tuesday, and then Wednesday. All are started/worked on, but it's coming down to I don't know how they're going to get finished along with all of my other work.

On top of that my roommate is really stressing me out. I'm probably going to be moving myself to the library with all of my stuff on Sunday just in order to stay the hell away from this room so I don't stress about that along with everything else going on.

I have my headphones in, I'm quiet in the mornings, I'm quiet at night when I get up in the middle of the night, I don't leave my music on over my speakers when someone is in the room I put headphones on. She doesn't do any of these. I haven't slept through a single night since around this past Thursday. My boyfriend says to ignore her, it's so hard to do when you live in a 10x12 cell and have to sit here to get all of this damn work done.

Grad school

flairofazure — 2007-04-24T12:04:13-05:00

My decision for the day: I'm not going to grad school right after I get my BA. There's no point to it, I don't want to be boxed in to a career I'm not sure about. I don't want to waste time and money on something I might not even enjoy. Plus it looks a lot better to Grad/Professional schools to have some life experience than having multiple degrees from post-undergrad schools.

What do you think?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-05-01T10:05:25-05:00

Everyonce in a while I go through moments/days of self doubt. About everything going on, my choices, etc.

Am I really doing what I want to do? I came to this college to learn about international politics. I'm not learning about them. Next semester my department has all crappy classes. I want to enjoy what I'm learning again, to look forward to getting a new perspective on issues. Not the same one, the war is bad. The Republicans are brainwashers. Etc etc.

Am I dating the right person? I love him. I know I do. That's not the question. Do I really belong with him? If I wanted to move to go to grad school, to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, will he really move with me? Will he put himself first, again, if I need to move or travel or see new things? I don't fault him for wanting certain things and putting his desires and wants before some of mine, that's normal. But what if I do want to move, to travel, to live in Ireland or Australia or the moon for a year. Will he really be willing tomove with me, or will I have to choose between what I love and who I love?

Am I where I am supposed to be? Everyone is commenting on how this semester signifies a huge change in college students. This semester is supposed to be the transition from a new college person, to one who is almost ready to graduate. Except I made that transition this past semester. I've had to deal with more transitions in my life than most people my age do. I went from wanting to go to college in Florida, to South Carolina, to Illinois, to staying in my home state. To hating my mother, to talking with her every day. To knowing that my mom will always be there, to not knowing if she'll survive a specific hospital stay. Same with my dad. He's had his health problems. I've had to deal with being so heart broken I almost gave up on ever feeling anything other than hate. I almost gave up on myself and on everything I love. I've gained and lost best friends. I've travelled to 10 different countries, some of which most people have never heard of. I've met people from across the country. I've worked for an organization that is actually changing the world. I've gone to school which has felt so pointless I've almost quit multiple times. I have TWO high school diplomas. I have loved learning and despised learning. I have loved living places and hated living places. I've learned to live with an inconsiderate and rude person, someone I would never be attracted to to have as a friend ever. I've been self conscious and self loathing, to confident enough people have asked if I had done something before that I had never touched before.

Who is this person, and why with all of the things that I've seen and done and accomplished, why do I still not know what I want to do. Why can't I make life decisions or even make right decisions some days. Why does it feel like everything I do is mediocre and half-assed.

Who am I and when will I find myself?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-05-02T02:05:46-05:00

I can't even celebrate my boyfriend's birthday. It's tomorrow. His family and my family are going out to a fantastic Japanese place. Without me. Perfect ending to a perfect week.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-05-05T11:05:48-05:00

Ok, so my boyfriend's birthday was this past Thursday, and he and I are celebrating it this coming Saturday (not today. obviously).

I tried to win him a wii, it didn't work. Then I went to thinkgeek to get him the shirt he wants, and they're sold out. So then I went to tshirt hell to see if I could get him the one I wanted from there and now I can't find it. So, then I asked him what he wanted and he wants to go see Spiderman 3 and have dinner, and I'd pay. Well, Spiderman 3 isn't hard to accomplish, but food becomes a problem. I need some place I can afford so then I come up with a new plan: I'll just cook. Unfortunately this is just as difficult as shopping for him.

I'm thinking about making this cake, because he likes it. I don't make the glaze, I pour a bit of the wine over the cake when serving. I also don't use the pecans, just a personal choice :) It's the white cake: http://www.easy-wine.net/wine-cake-recipes.php

And then I was thinking maybe homemade pizza or calzones? I have a good dough recipe, but eh, I could make those anytime. I might actually use those but I want to see if any of you have ideas that don't require ingredients found only in the corner stores of Peru :)

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-05-06T12:05:48-05:00

I AM THE BETTER PERSON

or so I keep telling myself. When does the term "bitch" become "abuse"?

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-05-08T11:05:22-05:00

My roommate (who is an idiot) bought an energy drink. These keep her up until around 5am. However, she sips them, like it was a refreshing iced tea or cool water. She SIPS her energy drink.

She also lost her keys earlier, somewhere in the laundry room.

And although claiming to study for two full days and nights (beginning around noon, ending around 4am) she claims to not be prepared at all for any of her exams. Please, someone, explain this to me. She spent ALL weekend partying or sleeping. I spent it preparing to write papers. I have one final exam completed (Monday afternoon), two papers completed (one handed in, and one is due tomorrow during the oral portion), one more in-class final tomorrow, and a paper due Thursday. However I'm not stressed, I'm actually feeling decently confident about everything I've finalized so far.

Is she sound strange, bizarre, or stupid to anyone other than me?

travel

flairofazure — 2007-05-23T08:05:11-05:00

I'm going to go over there I want human contact tonight. I don't want to play WoW right now. I want to cuddle and love and be near you. I know you need to play tonight because there's a meeting and stuff. Which is why I didn't ask.

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-09-23T08:09:40-05:00

"So you'll have a house in 3 years, huh?"

"yeah, living how I do right now, and after my credit cards are paid off"

"So, can I have a ring before the house?"

"maybe"

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-10-02T08:10:43-05:00

I'm falling apart at the seams. And I can't show it to anyone. I'm fighting with my boyfriend. My bestfriend is busy with his stuff. And I have a shit ton of French homework due tomorrow.

I just want to lay down and cry for a little while. But I don't even have time for that. I can't do this right now.

Ok. I just have to focus on finishing this essay, it's almost done anyway. I'm on page 2, I just have to finish critically analyzing this awful poem. And then answer 41 questions about Carmen, which the opera is based on. Com'on. It's not that hard...

no subject

flairofazure — 2007-10-29T06:10:52-05:00

Look at yourself. Go on. Look. When was the last time you really looked into those green eyes? Looked into your own soul and saw something other than a chaotic, frenzied girl? Not in a while anyway. You look into blue eyes, those ones that love you, that want to protect you because they can't. Those blue eyes would probably give anything to make sure you were never hurt again. And yet you hurt them. Look into those green eyes, see the love that you have for him, and maybe even a little for yourself. Look so deep that you can't see the reflection of the mirror in them. That you see the steam engine you have for a brain, which solves problems so quickly it almost seems like you make stuff up and you go along... sometimes you do. You know you love him, you can feel it everytime you touch him, so why can't you love yourself half as much?

possibilities

flairofazure — 2007-12-02T05:12:28-05:00

Ok, so nothing is official, but of course after dating on-and-off for 3 years, and then steadily dating for the past 2, we've talked about a future. My boyfriend has apparently really been thinking about it (maybe it was the wedding we went to a few weekends ago) and has even been looking at jewelers online. He came to visit me this weekend, and while we were having dinner (or right around then) he asked me if we could go to a jeweler's around here, maybe at the mall, and then we'd eat out on Saturday. I agreed, and kind of made fun of him, and then we sat around, watched movies and slept. Saturday we woke up, showered, etc etc, and then made it out to the local mall here where I go to school. We sat at a jeweler's at first, and a guy was like "so what do you like"? And I had no clue, this was a complete ambush, the last time I bought jewelery for myself was high school.

The second guy that came out apparently had me pegged for what I like. Tried on a bunch of stuff, to give my boyfriend an idea about what I like and if what he had kind of picked out, would work. I finally decided I liked something like this: http://www.kay.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product1|10101|10001|-1|990200507|15051|15051.15057.15107

And my boyfriend picked out something like this: http://www.cornelljewelers.com/shop3.cfm?subcat=10&bycategory=21&myproduct=2296

Basically, a center stone with a thin-ish band and some surrounding stones... anyways, he's planning on getting one this coming spring/summer. He said he's going to take me with him for another look at some jeweler's at home, and he'll buy one (I won't know which one) and propose at some undetermined time (which I won't know about).

Growing up

flairofazure — 2008-01-22T09:01:15-05:00

Ok, so my boyfriend and I both live at home... he's lived by himself for quite some time and living at home is probably slowly killing his self esteem or something like that.

He's looking for a house, a decent house, under $70,000 , with appliances if possible, and a good, safe location. We're going to see one Sunday, cause I'm going home this weekend for something that's been planned for a very long time.

But all of this is scary, I have two semester of college left, and then I have to find a job. Although I think I know what I finally want to do, I want to work in a college, possibly becoming a Dean or a Vice President... something like that. But, I think getting into a college work place will be difficult. I lose my insurance as soon as I officially move out of my house, which is even scarier. Meaning I'd really like a job before I move in... so essentially I'll get out of college and get a good job. I'd live at home for a few months, probably like 6, to start saving money and pay off my gigantic loans, and finish paying off my car. At the same time I'd still be helping my boyfriend with his house and around my house...

Things are crazy in my life.. I'm waiting to hear about an internship I applied for for over the summer, it'd be 7 weeks, around $4000 which would make a nice dent in my payments and such... I really want to open another saving's account, like a vacation one or something...

Growing up is scary.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-02-05T02:02:55-05:00

One of my real-life friends posts on the same journal I have (a different one from this). Last night she posted a rant about how she's pissed off that people don't pick a cause and fight for it. How she's frustrated with how people justaccept life, and how if you're not fighting the government on something you agree with it.

I have studied the government, the people who do and do not participate in government, and the actions caused by governments, I've studied these too long to hope for people to care about things. Most people in America are too worried about personal things, keeping a job, making mortgage payments, and worrying how to budget for the month, to protest about things happening in Darfur. People don't care, and until they are pesonallly invested in it, they will not act. People, especially Americans, have very little interest in things happening outside of their personal lives, and as such do not educate themselves about issues.

She thinks marching on Washington, raising money for drinking water, or protesting on campus, is going to change things. It's not going to change anything. Change starts small, as in a class project for making transporting water easier, or how to easily filter water so it's fit for drinking, or how to best landscape for farming in different parts of the world. It starts with non-profits making pleas for government grants, which then get press attention, which then gets more people interested and invested, but these are still far-fetched, people still need to care about it for it to get off the ground. Enough people have to care. 400 people on a single campus walking around is not going to change anything. If you want to make a dent and think a small dent is going to make someone buy a new plan because of that dent, you probably live on a college campus.

I am also frustrated with this presidential campaign and the problems our government and other governments have caused. But one person in a group marching on washington is not going to stop the war in Iraq or Afghanistan, or the problems in Darfur. It doesn't work that way. Our government is too old, with too many road blocks and red tape, and with too many out-of-touch politicians running the world. I'll stick to my hope to change the college system, to make lives here easier, to make a consumer-based business more consumer-concerned. And I think that should be good enough. I shouldn't have to protest about drinking water to get someone's respect or to be looked at as doing something for the world. If I have a belief, creativity, and some hope, I can be an activist for anything, even if it's just to make sure my residents are knowledgeable with how campus works.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-02-20T05:02:17-05:00

I feel like I'm fighting with everyone, and that it's my fault. I'm finding small faults in people that usually wouldn't bother me. Giving people too few chances. Wanting people to be what they aren't, and expecting them to be grown up and mature when I know they aren't.

My expectations are causing me to find fault and cause problems with the people I know, trust, love, and live with. Maybe I'm just too tired. It really is time for me to go home, or atleast not be here.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-03-03T06:03:00-05:00

I'm at a big transition in my life right now, and I'm really outside my comfort zone.

My boyfriend is going to propose to me in the next week, I know this. I don't know when, how, or where, I don't know what the ring looks like, or who is going to be there when he asks. And I don't know if I'm ready. I'm this confident mature woman sitting in class, taking notes, passing tests, writing exams, and I come back to my room and I break down and cry. My mother has, once agin, caused a big problem in my life that shouldn't have been there in the first place. I let her manipulate me, and then I questioned it, and I got upset over it because it meant it it one more example where she turned something about me into something about her.

My graduation party was about her, if I had a choice it would have been very small, with people I know and enjoy. Instead all of her friends were invited.

My college choice was made, privately. She was told to tell absolutely no one, I was going to tell people when I was ready. She turned around and told everyone how proud SHE was and where I was going to school, and how proud SHE was that I was putting my family before my college of my dreams.

My Christmas home when I returned from Germany became about her friends coming over to see my adventures. I wanted some of my friends over for a party, cards, games, good food. It turned into her calling people to show off some stupid slide show she made me make, where I HAD to cook the German food I had learned about. It wasn't about me.

We've talked about getting married, and she has forbid my boyfriend from proposing until after I graduate (he's doing it anyway, I don't know how she feels). She has forbid us from getting married until 2010, because it would take the spot light off of my sister's graduation. When in all reality it has something to do with her I'm sure. My sister would be invited to be a part of everything, no one understands her.

Supposedly I was supposed to be proposed to at dinner this coming Saturday. My grandmother and grandfather are both currently in the hospital, my grandpa is in a nursing home and is in their hospital wing, my grandma is in the ICU of our local hospital. She made up some rediculous excuse about how SHE has to be close to my grandma Saturday, therefore things were "falling apart." I picked holes in her story and she had no back up plan, so she kept saying "I'll call you if I change my mind" I don't care what my boyfriend does, and I don't care when he proposes, we're going to have a future anyway. What I do care about is that she has lied to me before and she has now done it again, and it's to manipulate me into believing some cooked up story. I called my boyfriend, because now I have this crap on top of all of my midterms and papers, and he said things were changing, and that everything was fine. He called me again and asked me what was bothering me, I explained about my mother, and he proceeded to tell me he thought I was reading too much into things. It doesn't fucking matter if I'm reading too much into it, my feelings got hurt, I'm upset, and I'm very stressed out.

I apologized to him when I was done ranting, but somethng still doesn't feel right. Something is still bothering me, stressing me out to a point beyond normal. I wish I knew what it was or that I could articulate it. It's supposed to be a happy time, and now I'm just stressed about it.

Engagement Ring

flairofazure — 2008-03-10T12:03:15-05:00

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-04-02T04:04:49-05:00

I have had a very frustrating day. I called my house to share the news with my dad that I may not be able to go to Turkey due to the fact that the loans we had thought I was eligible for, I am, in fact, not eligible for. I had a rough time with the financial aid office. I had a rough time with my one-on-one meeting with my professor for the independent study I'm doing this semester. I had a rough time focusing in physics, even though we have an exam Friday. And then I bombed my french exam. I left 3 entire sections blank, between 1/4 and 1/3 of the test entirely empty. Not to mention the argument last night and then again this morning with my boyfriend/fiance. I just want to sit down and cry basically.

I called my dad, as I said before, and my sister answered the phone. She can always make me laugh, she is so goofy and silly and fun. I compleetely forgot about the entire day when we were talking about her life and helarious things that go on around her.

But then I'm back to reality, and have to go to my 2 hour class, do laundry, write a paper and start reading, and then go to bed and hopefully sleep this day off.

My last semester

flairofazure — 2008-04-08T08:04:20-05:00

MWF

12-12:50 Cultural Anthropology
1-1:50 Public Communication

W

6-7:50 Campus Band

TR

10:50-12:05 Theory and Practice of Toleration
1:10-2:25 History of the Future
4-5:15 Contemporary French Culture

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-04-08T09:04:10-05:00

Yesterday I decided I wasn't going to turkey
Yesterday my mom tried to make me change my mind, twice, about not going to Turkey
Today my fiancee had the house he wants to buy inspected
Today my fiancee got into a car accident and his car may be deemed "totaled"
Today my fiancee pretty much decided he's going to walk away from the house we're both in love with because it needs too much help
Today my mom tried to get my dad to convince me to get a loan out for Turkey

Sooo, today sucked, and if I didn't have a shit ton of work to do I would probably be sobbing in my bed.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-04-23T09:04:45-05:00

I'm 21. I think I'm able to make a decision for myself.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-04-25T10:04:14-05:00

I want to hold your hand
wake up next to you, wrapped in your arms, surrounded by your peace
I want to snuggle with you on the couch, holding glasses of champagne
I just plain want to be with you...

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-05-02T10:05:33-05:00

I hate spiders.

I want to help

flairofazure — 2008-05-17T10:05:44-05:00

There is something inside of me that cries when I see a charity in need, a non-profit trying to change the world that doesn't have enough resources, a group that needs things and refuses to rely on the government but barely stays afloat. I want to help every single one of these cases. Hurt race horses, cat and dog shelters, groups trying to help urban schools, soup kitchens, Habitat for Humanity, I want to help them all. But I don't understand why. I can't help them all, all I can do is my small part while still trying to help myself be able to pay my bills and gain an education. I can't donate money I don't have, and time is hard to come by some days. But as my fiance told me, I'm not happy unless I'm helping someone or something. I need to help.

I see so many things wrong in this world and so few people actually doing things to help. This country helps out other countries but ignores its own poor and hungry. We can barely educate our youth, yet keep raising the standards. We have problems with abuse that we can't solve and people afraid of the police and other groups who should be there to help.

In my future I want to help. I think I'm going to join Habitat for Humanity over the summer, buy some canned goods I don't need each time I go shopping and donate them, and give some time to making my fiance's new neighborhood look good simply by working on the house. I care so much but can only do so little.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-08-26T10:08:52-05:00

melt down...

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-09-09T11:09:49-05:00

I need to get out and spend some time just laughing. I feel like I haven't laughed in forever. It's amazing how much laughing and smiling can relax you. The office I work in is very stressful right now. RAing is stressful right now to me, I feel like I'm babysitting other RAs and we're having noise and responsibility issues with the residents. I'm very stressed about grad schools right now, like so stressed I feel like I'm back in high school mode where I'm immobilized by how many things have to get done all at once. I have an application due in about a month, Oct 15. I need to find a job, like immediately, for January.

I think if I could have the stability of knowing I have a job, everything else would be less stressful. If I don't get a job I can't pay my bills, I can't start saving to move out of my parents' house, I can't help contribute to Peter's house, I can't start saving for the wedding and honeymoon, I feel like I would go crazy if I don't get a job. And then what happens if I don't get accepted into grad school? I don't think I'm going to apply to Syracuse. That leaves 4 programs: Univ. at Buffalo, SUNY Buffalo, Univ of Rochester, and Canisius College. UB guarantees an assistantship (you're paid to work at the university, they provide a stipend and you get so much off of tuition). UofR would allow me to work and go to school in Henrietta, which could mean carpooling and saving gas. UofR and SUNY Buffalo have spring starts, the other 2 have fall starts. sooo many choices, I just want it to all work out and be happy and involve no stress so I can focus on the two kittens we're getting for the house.

Fuzzy, playful, fun, and stress-free kittens. Who will love me always. And be fuzzy.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-09-24T11:09:10-05:00

I have less than 3 months until I graduate. It seems like each week is going faster than the last. Once I get to the mid-semester break, I have 5 weeks until a week off for Thanksgiving, and then 2 weeks of classes and finals week. I graduate the 19th of December. I'll be the first of my generation in my entire family to have a degree.

I just want to graduate.

to people holding office:

flairofazure — 2008-09-25T07:09:58-05:00

If I know your name because you've been in office, you don't belong in office any more. You obviously haven't helped to change anything. Schumer, McConnel, Dodd, Reid, you are all old white men far separated from me. You don't know how I am affected by this financial situation. You spend too much time talking and not enough doing. And people are getting sick of you spending our money. I should not have to bail out assholes who don't know how to properly run a business and yet earn millions of dollars at the cost of employees and investors.

I hope that in my lifetime things change. That there is a "revolution" of sorts where people who are actually connected to the majority of constituents are voted into office and act on things that their constituents want. You should work 40 hours a week, while trying to balance dance, tutors, karate, soccer, and the PTA. You should not be flying on private jets to and from washington every week, you are spending MY MONEY to fly, and I can barely afford gas.

If you want my vote, and I will be voting, prove to me that you deserve it. Prove to me that you understand $4/gal of gas is incredibly difficult, that you understand how much time I have to spend working to earn enough to fill my gas tank. Prove to me that you want to help bring businesses back by lowering taxes on business and encourage them back. Prove to me that you want to help me by talking about things that affect me, I want to know how you are helping the development of technology using renewable resources not just fueling the "gas crises."

Neither of the main presidential candidates fulfill what I want as a president of the United States. Prove to me that you will help guide this country towards days of progress, peace, and war. None of you have even given me a ray of hope to continue studying politics or political science.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-09-27T08:09:00-05:00

We've closed on the house

We're getting two kittens tomorrow

He's moved stuff in with the help of both of our families. There's no "big move" it'll happen over a series of weekends

I'm stuck at school until mid-October

Voting

flairofazure — 2008-10-07T10:10:08-05:00

I'm going to vote for my dad for President. He's not well known to most of the US, but he's the kind of guy you'd want as your neighbor. He works his butt off to provide for my family, but he loves his job. He always knows how much money the family has and closely regulates it so that the family can keep its head above water. He has common sense, and a degree in business finance.

I realize no one else will probably vote for him, and that's ok. But I don't like either candidates, I don't want to have a beer with either, I don't want either as a neighbor, and I wouldn't want either running a business, let alone the country. I wish there was a way to go back and to get rid of both candidate and try again, without wasting 4 more years.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-10-13T08:10:51-05:00

So Peter had a midterm today, but I didn't get a phone call like usual during his drive home. So I sent him a text asking if the exam was over and he calls me. While I'm talking to him he's making all sorts of noise and swearing up a storm and barely paying attention. I ask him about the final and all he can do is complain about it, and about the prof, and the study guide. He keeps making more noise and swearing about the one kitten meowing all the time, all the while continuing to bitch about his crappy test. I try to change the subject and ask about work and he starts bitching about work. Stops talking, makes more noise, and then after a few moments of silence decides he doesn't have anything to talk about, and so we hang up.

This really annoyed me. I realize he had a crappy day, but I had a decently crappy day, too. He didn't ask about it, didn't ask how I was doing. Nothing. It's all about him and his crappy test.

So then around 8 when I'm trying to get some reading done for tomorrow he calls me and makes a joke about how God is trying hard to be him, I laugh and ask how much he's had to drink. And so we start joking around, and then I explain about the one time I proved him wrong.... and silence. He's watching tv. I ask him what's on, and he finally comes back to me. Asks me what I said before, I tell him it's not a big deal, ask about dinner Friday, and then claim I have nothing to talk to him about.

This really annoyed me, too. Maybe it's just me being me, wanting some reciprocation or something, but if I didn't pay attention to his ramblings or whatever he'd get pissed. I've talked to him about turning down the tv or whatever when he's on the phone with me. It doesn't seem to matter to him. When I went home two Fridays ago, and tried to get some stuff put away and cleaned, he bitched about how he didn't want to do it and all he wanted to do was relax. So he sat down, and I went upstairs and stripped the bed, put on new sheets, and started cleaning up around the bed room. He comes up and asks me if I'm pissed, I said no, I really wasn't, but then he proceeds to laugh at me how I'm making the bed and makes some smart-assed comment about how I'm making the bed wrong, I can just look it up in the Navy rules or whatever. I take it in good humor, but I'm just trying to make the empty house feel more like a home. Putting things away, cleaning it, making it looked lived-in makes me feel accomplished and like I belong there. A home is more than just sitting, watching tv, and eating dinner. It's about a place that you feel proud of that means something to you. It just feels like another hotel, where I'm going to shower, watch some tv, and spend the night.

Maybe I'm asking for too much too soon.

NEW!

flairofazure — 2008-10-29T11:10:01-05:00

New colors! new picture! new look!

Not that many people read this fine blog but!

I feel much happier now :)

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-11-14T06:11:35-05:00

So lonely inside
So busy out there
And all you wanted
was somebody who cares

holidays

flairofazure — 2008-11-16T10:11:23-05:00

So I want to make gingerbread cookies for the holidays... anyone have a good recipe? I've found a bunch online, but I'd rather spend time working with a recipe that I know is good :)

life

flairofazure — 2008-11-18T12:11:22-05:00

I live someplace where it gets cold and it snows. It's "upstate" New York according to the people here, at home we consider this the "finger lakes region" or the "southerntier" either way... it snows.

People are freaking out about the snow. You know it's coming people. It happens every year. The snow made me smile yesterday though, it was beautiful, very little wind, with huge flakes coming down in sheets and landing in my hair, on my face and eyelashes, everywhere. It was so beautiful, so serene... that's what I like about winter, everything is still and everyone wants to just go home. I've lost my sense of home for a long time, and now I think I have it back. I have two homes, one with Peter and one with my parents and sister. Home is where I belong, not this place.

I find out about one of the grad schools this week, I'm very excited, I just so want to get in.

I'm also having my friends over to my house... not my parents' house, MY house. That is also exciting.

Peter and I are cooking a before-Thanksgiving dinner Wednesday night before the holiday. Stuffed shells, mashed potatoes, and some kind of chicken I think. I'm excited for the holidays in one way, and sad about them, too. I won't have any grandparents to celebrate with, my only living grandparent, grandpa, is in a long-term care facility and does not recognize any of us. It'll be hard for my dad, who just lost his mom.

But, as the snow falls and as the temperatures drop, the day I get to leave here creeps closer and closer. Which is both happy and sad.

no subject

flairofazure — 2008-11-23T06:11:32-05:00

I got into 2 grad schools yesterday!!!!!!!

Yaaaaaaaaaay

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-01-23T10:01:15-05:00

I'm going to grad school for 9 credits (3 classes), working 20 hours a week, attending class 2 nights a week, living with my family monday-friday and with my fiancee friday-monday. I have homework, cats, family, friends, a fiancee, co-workers, classmates, and myself.

But I'm pretty lonely. Not in any way anyone can fix, but I just am SO interested in what I'm learning and I feel I have little time to dedicate to actually learning it. I also have very few people to talk to, at least in my real life. I need to re-connect with some former co-workers.

Me and my fiancee are working hard on trying to stay afloat. It's difficult with my loans, bills, and part-time job, and his unstable job, large bills, and the Veteran's department not being intelligent.

But I think I may have found a new place for me to look into working... with non-traditional students. Veterans, older students, part-time students, etc. Working with my fiancee to help him through school has been so frustrating. Very few people understand where he's coming from, and to get things accomplished we have to go to superior to superior.

But I am so happy that I have finally found a calling that I am truley passionate about. I'm learning so many interesting things and meeting interesting people, it's just... amazing.

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-01-27T09:01:39-05:00

There are layoffs at my fiancee's company today

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-02-16T07:02:31-05:00

I know I'm not skinny. I consider myself fat. I've been ok with that for a long time.

I hate shopping for clothes. Clothes do not make me feel pretty. They do not make me feel sexy. They make me feel fat and ugly. I hate stripes. I hate prints. I hate anything but regular, ordinary jeans and tshirts.

I fought with my fiancee. I went shopping. I had an oh-so-fun experience with my mom and sister screaming and fighting. I have a shit ton of homework.

It's all about my sister all the time. It's all about my mom all the time. It's all about my fiancee, all the time. When is it my time?

Today has been really bad.

I don't foresee tomorrow being any better.

I need to lose a significant amount of weight, and yet I barely have enough "me" time as it is to relax.

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-03-10T08:03:33-05:00

No classes this week! yaaaay

So I'm catching up on my homework, and hopefully getting ahead. I'm amazed at how far behind I can get, but also how quickly I feel productive when I have a to-do list that I cross stuff off of.

Almost all of the loan stuff is taken care of for the semester. I just have to finish my deferement paperwork. And hope my mail gets there by Friday, maybe I should do it online, too.

Class

flairofazure — 2009-03-30T04:03:27-05:00

I'm taking a really interesting class about Critical Race Theories, and one of the most important parts of understanding different ethnicities, groups, etc, is to understand oneself. Without knowing who you are, how can you know who someone else is? By creating your labels, you "create" what you are and what you are not, and therefore create labels for everyone else.

I am:
White, a woman, independent, educated, poor, a border crosser (from independent to living at home, to being engaged to being a "dependent"), an artist, a sister, a daughter, a fiancee.

Who are you?

my relationship

flairofazure — 2009-04-14T10:04:46-05:00

I talk a lot about my fiance negatively, mainly as this is my private space to vent, but today I realized how good of a relationship we have.

We have problems, like every couple has, but we generally will put them out there.

We trust each other, implicitely. I can read his email, he can read mine, we could switch phones for a day (his would drive me nuts though) and not worry about strange phone calls or mean text messages. We share a lot, with each other, about each other, too. Like he was joking to one of his friends when I was really upset with him (and the world) this past weekend, and he showed it to me (when I was in a better mood). I don't fear him coming home with another girl (any more).

We listen to each other, and try to do the best we can by each other. We have our fights, but we're honest.

I realized today, during a discussion, how lucky I am to have such a great relationship.

change

flairofazure — 2009-04-17T08:04:59-05:00

In two separate conversations, I have been asked to change, while the other party continues to believe they are right.

It just feels like my childhood is coming back, where I was told I was (almost) always the one that was wrong...

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-04-28T02:04:30-05:00

My parent's gray cat is sleeping on the couch and he must be dreaming about eating something tasty. His front feet keep moving and he keeps licking his lips and moving his mouth like he's chewing.

It's rather amusing.

no subject

flairofazure — 2009-07-19T03:07:08-05:00

I haven't been around in a while, things are very busy... just wanted to check in to let everyone know I was alive